Saturday, March 6, 2010
Love vs Control!
When we think of LOVE, we do not associate it with control.
The romantic notion of LOVE conjures an image of two free souls flying in the ethers, oblivious to anybody else. There is psychedelic '70s music playing in the background where everything seems in slow motion. There are sunflowers, warm sun and there are no worries in the world, you're in heaven. (This image is taken from the Movie Forty Year Old Virgin!)
CRASH!!!! Back down to earth!
Once the honey moon period ends which in biological terms means when there has been enough time given so that the human species can reproduce, that 'loving feeling' suddenly disappears and seems a very distant memory.
How long does this lurvvvvve feeling last?
Generalizing now, anything from two months to eighteen months. But this is very general. It depends on external influences.
When the lurvvvve feeling goes, so do the rose tinted glasses. You see your love interest with cynical, even critical eyes. Suddenly your love conquest becomes someone you need to keep down at any cost.
This is not done in an obvious way (unless the individual has extreme trust issues) but little questions (gestapo style) start spilling out of your mouth.
You suddenly feel insecure, and try to recapture that initial loving feeling but cannot, so you rationalize that it's because he/she doesn't love you anymore.
Whereas before, there was not much conversation, for you to notice that you have absolutely nothing in common other than a physical attraction, now it is glaringly obvious that you have nothing in common, not even the physical.
This is where the 'relationship' might end (which realistically is a good idea if you notice there is no hope of your minds ever meeting!)
But, if you are a romantic, insecure, hopeful,or all three then you stick to it and think I will get him/her to love me AGAIN!
It was not LOVE love to begin with it was LUST!!!!!
Any way the control takes over which is of course, born out of fear and insecurities.
Suddenly, all these unspoken demands pop up from nowhere and if they are not psychically known then there are upsets, fights,stomping of the foot and weeping into your best friend's arms (hopefully not a friend of the opposite sex which spells disaster), saying that, you don't know why they've changed!
No, they have not changed, you can now see them as they ARE!!! And they can see you as YOU are!!
Control,is not only about expecting something from another it is also about expectations of situations.
For example, a woman may expect that the natural course of a relationship is to move in have kids(if you haven't had one already) and get married. Or you pretend you don't want to get married but live in fuming hope, becoming resentful each day because you are not being asked to become the wife, where you made it clear when you met that you are a free spirit and don't want to get married....... blah blah blah!
This is where communication needs to be learnt. NoW is when you need to tell each other what you want from each other. The lust stage didn't need you to communicate much as instinct ran most of the show.
Now, is where you tell each other what you want and listen to what the other wants.
'But that's not romantic, if he/she loves me they should know!!!!'
Who says that they should know?
Where do we get these presumptuous ideals?
'Love is patient,
Love is kind.
It does not envy,
It does not boast,
It is not proud.
It is not rude,
It is not self-seeking.
It is not easily angered,
It keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil
But rejoices in the truth.
It always protects,
1 Corinthians 13: 4-7
If we do not LOVE unconditionally, we cannot accept JOY, we cannot give LOVE and JOY!
By releasing control of situations, when it is time to share that LOVE, it will be coming from a pure place of LOVE and not control!