Hey Kel,
You died one week ago today. One week. How can this be when
it feels like only seconds have passed? I gave your eulogy. I said something
funny and made people laugh just like you asked me too. Do you have any idea
how hard that was? I think you probably do. It was you getting the last laugh
on me, wasn’t it? It took me days to write and rewrite and rewrite and rewrite.
I finally deleted the whole damn thing the night before your funeral and went
to Cayucos Tavern at midnight. I drank way too much and sang Rolling Stones songs
way too loud. Can you believe that? Me, getting soused until 2a.m. and making a
fool of myself in public. How unlike me, right?
The next morning, I sat in bed and wrote, bawling my head off the entire
time. Did you hear me yelling at you? How could you be so selfish and leave me?
How could I be so selfish and want you to stay?
Anyway, here it is. I mean, just in case you missed it.
The first
time I met Kelly, she was 10 days old and I was 1100 days old and Char was just
old. My mom came home from the hospital carrying this pink blanket that she
laid on her bed and I thought surely I was finally getting that monkey I
wanted. I remember lying on my parent’s bed, disappointed for a moment that she
wasn’t a monkey but kissing Kelly’s forehead again and again, smelling the
sweetness of her skin. She smelled like sugar cookies to me.
I loved
my baby sister. We had the best times together. Like the first time our mom
left us home alone and Kelly and I decided to build a fort in the living room.
The living room we weren’t allowed to play in because it was reserved for
company. The living room with the brand new Mediterranean, putrid green
furniture. The living room with the giant naked angel lamp. Yeah, that living
room. As soon as our mother’s car was half way out the drive, Kel and I ran to
the garage and got a can of my dad’s infamous twist and tie. Back in the house
we strung that miraculous twirly green wired string from the giant bulbous
putrid green Mediterranean lamp on one side of the room all the way over to the
giant naked angel lamp on the other side of the room. Then off we ran to our
bedroom, grabbed our bedspreads off our beds and flew to the living room
squealing with anticipation. This was gonna be freakin awesome. As we flung our
bedspreads over the twist and tie, the two lamps hurled themselves at us at
something like a million miles an hour. I’m pretty sure I heard the angel
screaming.
As
teenagers, Kelly and I went different directions. My life goal was to get
married and quickly over-populate the world. Kelly’s goal was to rule the
world. She started at KFC and ended up in one of Corporate America’s corner
offices. It was downright freaky watching her morph into our dad, Charles
Casas. I mean she had the business
suits, the Cadillac and minions. I remember her boss buying her a black leather
jacket one Christmas. It was beautiful. I especially liked the writing on the
back of it: The Wicked Witch. It’s what I had called Kelly for years. I felt
jealous many a day at her life. I still didn’t have a monkey and she had flying
monkeys. The truth was, those monkeys loved her. I think a lot of them idolized
her. She deserved everything she achieved. She did it the old fashioned way.
She earned it.
As
adults, Kelly and I drifted apart for a minute. We didn’t understand each other
very well. Then the first brain tumor happened and nothing else mattered. Our
differences didn’t matter, our life choices didn’t matter, our faith or lack
thereof didn’t matter. Only one thing mattered. We were in it to win it.
Together. Kelly and every single person she loved and who loved her. We were in
it to win it.
For years
I wrote about Kelly’s journey. Some people were amused. Some people were
offended. I was told more than once that I was inappropriate, disrespectful and
rude. I made fun of my dying sister’s circumstances. She was the butt of my
jokes. I posted pictures of her with really bad hospital hair. I put our
private conversations out there for the world to read. There was only one
reader I ever wrote for though. Kelly. She told me from the beginning I was not
allowed to cry. Too many people were crying over her life and it made her sad.
She asked me to write about her life. She told me I had to be funny. The best
days ever for me were hearing Kelly laugh. That and hearing her call me a
moron. Moron meant I had hit a home run for her. Like not that long ago, she
was really sad. And she was worried about me. She asked me where I saw myself
in ten years if I didn’t make some changes.
“Well,
Kel, ten years from now I believe I will be in the poor house, jail or a
convent. It’s hard to decide which way to go.”
That got
a “moron” from her.
Kelly’s
last words to me were, “Say something funny.” She said it twice so I made fun
of her hair. Yeah, right there in the hospital as my sister lay dying, I made
fun of her. A few nights after Kelly was gone, I realized she was talking about
today. She was worried about all of us. She wanted us to laugh.
In
closing, I want to say thank you.
Thank you
Theresa for being the one Kelly would save if we were all on a sinking ship
with only two life vests. We love you.
Thank you
Rachel for loving and caring for my little sister through thick and thin and I
am not talking about her weight fluctuations. We love you.
Thank you
Cher. Thank you. For cooking. For cleaning. For yelling at Kelly to get off her
ass and walk. For laughing with me until we cried and crying until we laughed.
For sleeping with Kelly when she was afraid and sleeping with me when my heart
was broken. Thank God for women like you that sleep around. You’re an angel and
I love you.
Thank you
Char and Debi, for still being alive. I love you both. Char, I promise to let
you put makeup on me and do my hair. You can even take me shopping now and
then. I promise to pretend I like it. Deb, I promise to call you and talk about
Char behind her back like little sisters do. We can laugh and giggle at how old
she is. It’ll be fun. I promise.
To
Kelly’s minions, past and present. Thank you for loving her, encouraging her,
writing and emailing. Calling and visiting. Thank you to “her girls”. Karen,
Gina, Denise, Nicole, Pam and all the rest of y’all for all the weekends. She
dreaded you seeing her before you got there and then did nothing but talk about
what a great time she had with you. How much you did for her, physically,
spiritually and emotionally.
To our
family……there are just too many of us to name but I can honestly say, Kelly
loved every single Walter/Casas family member. She loved you.
And
finally, David…..Thank you. I know it wasn’t easy. I know how hard she could be
on you. I also know how much she loved you. I thought it was totally gross when
she told me she was dating a tattooed biker. Then I got to know you. I still
think you’re gross but not because you’re a tattooed biker, just because you’re
a guy. We love you David. Remember…..we‘re still a part of your posse…..or
gang…..or pack……or whatever it is you people call it.
So there it is. Did I do ok, Kel? I made people laugh.
That’s what you wanted, right? I think that’s all I have to say to you for now.
In truth, I am not speaking to you today. I am really angry with you. So is
Char. That’s right, we are talking about you behind your back. Deal with it!
Love,
Me
