Coming up for air

So I go back and look over my various blogs, writing commitments, etc. and realize it has been months since I wrote much of anything publicly.  A lot of that that time was spent on Facebook, and some of you may have noticed that I recently deleted my account.  The reasons why are perhaps hard to explain clearly, but I'll do my best.

Over the past decade I had allowed my community to become mostly virtual.  This was the result of a lot of things, both circumstantial and through my own actions.  The shape of my social life had become very narrow and isolated.  Then when "real life" impinged upon my routine I realized that I needed some real life connection, and that my digital family was dangerously ephemeral.  Nothing personal against you, if this includes you - just that I needed to reach out to people I could actually feel, see, and hear.  I had been a political/social/pop culture blog junkie through the oughties, and gone more or less cold turkey to save my sanity; I realized I was repeating the same problem with Facebook, and had to cut myself off.

I currently live in a rural area where my main social interaction is limited to immediate family and longtime family friends.  I still write but am in something of a state of hibernation -- I think that the habit of putting everything out there straight from the skull without any editing is not always productive.  Sometimes you have to refine your thinking in solitude, so that when you are finally ready to say something you are delivering the best you have to offer, and aren't burdening your readers with filtering your output.  If you make a habit of delivering quantity over quality, your readers are liable to ta ke you for granted.  That is assuming you have any.

About once a week I head back into the city to hang out with my daughter.  That part is great, but I am constantly reinforced in my dislike of city life.  Maybe I'll go back to that kind of living  eventually, but at the moment it doesn't seem appealing -- the high stress, high stakes, dehumanizing, brutal crush and thrust of it all.  Out here, even the most important tasks get done when they get done; the main urgency is to live and be a human being.  What other value is there?  We walk slower here, talk slower here, think slower, make eye contact, eat together, laugh together...ironically with so much solitude available we are seldom alone.  People are not as numb to one another out here.  Sometimes they even talk to strangers.

standing in our own sunshine...

Most of the shadows of this life are caused by our standing in our own sunshine.

Ralph Waldo Emerson



I stumbled across this quote today and it shot right through my brain... such a simple phrase of words, but they carry such weight and substance... who of us hasn't cast a shadow on our own life by standing in our own sunshine, blocking out the sparkle of our being and accomplishments... how quickly we are taught to take the shine off so as to not stand out too brightly against the rest of the pack... perhaps it was the words of a parent who crippled our ability to take center stage by casting doubt on our own skills... maybe the harsh words of a critic after a performance... the sting of a review after a heart based piece of prose was written... why do we never allow ourselves to be enough, even when we know we are enough...

our foundations are built and sunk into bedrock able to withstand any storm that encompasses us... foundations unshakable in the midst of life's chaotic tide... stronger than steel and more solid than bedrock.. but it takes one external voice, one opinion that what we have done is less than it could be, for those foundations to be wrenched from their moorings and leave us broken and hiding in the shadows...

why do we not grasp that what we are capable of and what we put forth is valuable

because we took the chance to dream...

natural progression of skill notwithstanding, our projects, our endeavors, our lives are valuable just as they are, because we are valuable... if we take the time to create, if we nurture, if we write or sing or paint, who is to say what we have done is less than... every brush stroke, every word written, every child nurtured, is by it's very action, blessed and holy in itself, worthy of praise and celebration...

would we stand at the shore and say that the tide should ebb and flow more smoothly, do we face the starry sky and request they be presented more orderly, do we critique the flight of the Eagle as inferior...

we routinely create and cast the shadows over our own abilities, dulling them down, pushing away the accolades of a job well done, leaving ourselves devoid of the joy of self and wholeness...

we need to remove the ability to discredit our own worth, and I know this is a difficult road to walk... perhaps the weight of abuse or neglect hangs heavy in our hearts, perhaps it is a long passed decision or mistake that haunts our thoughts, possibly a shouldering of regret at what could have or should have been.. if only... lay down the weight, and run free of the entanglements of this world, for moments past can never be undone and thus need to be filed away so as to serve only as a guide for the next mountain in our path...

let our new mantra be one of worthiness and character, competence and acceptance...

strip away the coverings and allow your true glowing colours to burst forth...

stop casting your own shadows, step forward and allow all the brilliance of who you are

to shine brighter than the rays of the sun...

embrace what you have created, embrace what you are capable of and

never let this gift be tarnished by any outside perspective...

we are glorious by the nature that we exist, whole and perfect and extraordinary...

refuse to be held back by yourself or anyone else, you deserve that much for your soul..

let those shadows cast before dissolve into completeness and perfection,

for this is how you were made... this is your right and your intention...