Thursday, April 29, 2010

Dieting by proxy

I am suffering from that most depressing of syndromes.

WeightWatcherhousen’s Syndrome.

Or ‘Dieting by Proxy’

This is the distressing effect on a man that is caused implicitly by having a wife that is doing Weight Watchers. Life suddenly becomes just that little bit duller.
Its not just Weight Watchers of course, there are billions of variants of the dieting by proxy illness that affects us husbands. Whatever the latest diet is called though, the results are the same.
Unfortunately, an earlier agreement that seemed to make so much sense at the start of the marriage comes back to bite us on the ankles. For years we have benefited from our wife’s skill at doing the weekly shop. Not for us men, the chore of dragging a trolley round a crowded supermarket – oh no, you enjoy yourself love! Suddenly this becomes the biggest mistake of your marital career. Once the lady of the house is dieting – the whole house is dieting.

No treats will be purchased, in case our weak willed women are tempted by them. Every meal will be carefully planned in the finest detail, including portion size. This is vital so that your wife can control her intake, I accept that. I just can’t see why these women’s infamous multi-tasking skills don’t apply here. Why do my portions have to be the same? So much thought is being put into mealtimes that there are suddenly no mistakes being made, no longer will I get a text on my way home saying “We are all out of chicken, want to fetch Chinese?” No way – now we will be having something with Chick Peas in it instead.

Then there is the atmosphere to contend with.

There are two atmospheric issues to deal with.
Firstly, you suddenly have a woman running loose about the house that has not been chocolateized recently. This instantly causes tension. Should your wife be strong willed enough to continue this insane situation during her ‘special week’ then frankly you are better off spending some money on a hotel for a few days, because life would be hell at home. Even during normal days it is bad enough. Women need chocolate to make them cooperative, you can’t live in the same house as an under chocolated woman, everyone knows that.

Then there are the vegetables.
Every meal has vegetables, and where there are vegetables there is methane. It’s possible that across the globe diets are responsible for a greater release of methane than McDonald’s cows. That means that diets are causing global warming!

So I’m here, tip toeing around a walking time bomb of attitude and internal combustion, whilst coping with a distinct lack of culinary gratification.

WeightWatcherhousen’s Syndrome affects 1 in 3 married men in Britain, and Dieting by Proxy is the biggest cause of male depression in the world.

Bear with me readers – I’m not feeling at my best.

Also on my Blog: Glen's Life.