Communion

Inside the altar

of my heart,

I knelt down before him.

My forehead touched his feet,

his hands gently rested

upon my bent back.

Waves of bliss rose,

mingled with tears

of pure joy.

I looked up at him

with misty eyes,

and immersed myself
in the shimmering

ocean

that sparkled within

his radiant eyes.

(Also posted on my blog)

Apple Charlie; a Memory

Bill Grover at Apple Charlies

I just wanted to see some pumpkins!

The farm is well taken care of by the new owners.

I carefully scanned the pavement looking for signs of Mom left on the driveway.

Coming back from Michigan, I again thought of the life that was made for me there, and all that has changed because I left home at seventeen (and didn't look back). The years of separation and absence have provided an unbroken memory that continues to be alive in me. Though the events and relationships are long gone, they exist completely intact in my memory.  I continue to feel close to people I have not seen for three decades. My unbridled affection is surprising because I'm essentially a stranger who has unexpectedly popped up from the haze of the 1970's. 

Bill is a friend from Huron High School. He is connected to the fall season the same way apple cider, orange pumpkins, and leaves caught in the wind or crunching under our feet are connected. He was a football player and champion wrestler who celebrated with us after the games with pizza (and sometimes beer) in Flatrock. I was a drum major, flag captain, clarinetist, all around band member and team supporter. He was protective of my sisters and me, and I believe he had a special deal with our father, Richard, to guard our honor; however, an unforeseen event wedged a terrible break in our friendship and we could no longer be friends.

It was my sixteenth birthday party and all of my family, friends, and their friends were there. The house was open, and traffic flowed in teen party fashion. People were drinking, smoking, and talking too loud. My sister came up in a car with her boyfriend. She had disappeared for many months, running off with her older boyfriend in the middle of the night, packing her clothes in large black plastic garbage bags and storing them behind the evergreen bushes that lined the front porch. Her arrival to my party was tense and unexpected. My father was quietly ignoring this turn of events. The couple was arguing in the car, perhaps about coming in the house or leaving before there was trouble. The discussion became physical and one of my cousins ran into the house yelling, "He's beating her up and she's in labor!" My father sprung into fierce action; he ran outside, grabbed the man and pulled him out of the car. My sister started screaming for everything to stop. However, it was too late and a fight became the main event. Yelling party goers crowded around shouting, "Fight!" Bill tried to break the two men apart, but it was impossible. They rolled into the field next door and it started to get bloody. Mom went into action, picked up a two by four board, and slammed it down just when they flipped over. She nearly knocked Dad unconscious, and it was all he could do to maintain awareness. I was appalled at her mistake! "She almost killed Dad", I thought. Mom came running back with a hammer, and I blocked her by grabbing her hand, "Don't you dare!" I was ready to get physical. Suddenly, lights were flashing, and people scattered. The police broke up the fight, and began taking reports from witnesses. "Who started it?" was the critical question. When Bill was asked he reported what he had seen, and so Dad was taken off to jail. Later, Bill stood as a witness for my sister's boyfriend, and that is why we could not longer be friends. It was as if he disappeared. He was completely removed from all interactions with us, all contact. My father felt he was disloyal to our family because he told the police exactly what he had seen, and in Bill's version, Dad was the angry aggressor. My sister went to the hospital, had my nephew, and decided to stay with her boyfriend because children need a father. Mom went to the hospital to be with her, and later helped her get settled but Dad remained stoically detached. He felt betrayed by family, friends, and society. A father is supposed to defend his child, isn't he?

The farm is well cared for now, with the exception of the circle driveway, which somehow seems appropriate. I stood looking down the drive for several minutes trying to find some remnant of my mother, a darkened area, a bit of the chalk that outlined her body but all that remained was broken cement. I feel sorry I challenged her when she was "defending" Dad. She wasn't ever a bystander, patiently waiting and helpless. She was a powerful participant- abet with a poor aim. She continued to be brave, running out to try to help her partner, Christine, after she was shot by our neighbor, Brooks. I wish she had stayed inside and waited for the police to arrive. I wish she were still alive. I wish we had just celebrated her birthday on Halloween, instead of her being murdered at fifty five years old.  Dad made peace with my sister and she escaped the domestic abuse situation. (He died when he was forty-nine.) Dad never knew about Mom's lifestyle changes.

I don't know if Bill remembers this story; we didn't talk about it. As a matter of fact, I didn't even know that he was "Apple Charlie" -or rather that was the name his father used. My cousin, Tammy, was just taking me to an apple orchard and a place to see a pumpkin patch. (Living in the tropics makes me yearn for signs of seasons sometimes.) We drove up to Apple Charlies, I got out and started taking lots of poor quality photographs with my cell phone, then I started chatting with one of the workers, "So who is Apple Charlie? What's his last name? What's his first name? I mean, people don't call him, Apple, right?" I was just bothering a stranger with questions when I discovered that this was Bill Grover's place. I had forgotten his family owned an apple orchard. I wondered if he wanted to see me again. I decided to be bold, and when I saw him heading into his house, I called out, "Bill! Hey, Bill!" I'm glad I did. I feel as though a new bookend has been placed on that past disturbing phase of my life. When I left, he said, "Thanks for stopping by and looking me up." Bill's okay. I'm okay. Life goes on.

Reprinted from Oasis Writing Link (TM) 

365 Lessons-Lesson 303: No Pain, No Gain

My husband Yoon has adopted the English expression "no pain, no gain." His other favorites are "location, location, location," "bundle of joy" and "awesome." He uses words and expressions until he finds new ones. Sometimes, in his yoga class, he says "no pain, no gain." That might sound very against the way of yoga. After all, in yoga you are suppose to tune into your own body and go at your own pace. It's meant to be a journey from within. But when he says these words, I don't think he means for his students to push their limits or suffer a charley horse in class. I think he means something entirely different.

When he says these words I feel love in his voice. I don't feel like he's a drill sergeant up there shouting out commands. When he says these words, it's out of compassion for what each student might individually be experiencing. So much gets released during a yoga session with Yoon. There's a lot of contraction and expansion happening in the class. As we work different groups of muscles, things come out. Every experience we have ever had in life is imprinted on the body. The mind and body are so connected. In meditation, I have often felt a pain somewhere in my body along with a memory. As soon as I witnessed the unpleasant sensation in my body instead of reacting to it, the pain passed away along with the memory. The body says a lot about a person's state. You can't hide how you are feeling, it's written all over you.

So, "no pain, no gain" in Yoon's class means that when we go in and work from within, sometimes we might feel pain or memories. If we stay in our body and work from within, being gentle and kind to ourselves, that which we feel as pain will come to pass, but it might not be a pleasant experience as it is happening.

I'm working on a difficult chapter in my memoir. For those of you who don't know, I have a book contract. My book is called Lessons from the Monk I Married and it will be published by Seal Press/Perseus Books in March 2012. By the first week of December, I have to turn in half the book to my editor in Berkeley, California. It's very different from this blog even though it has the same title. It's about my 14-year journey with my husband, a former Korean Buddhist monk.

The chapter I'm working on was a very painful period in my life. I have found, while writing this book, that my body remembers the experience and as I'm writing it, I go back to that time. Chapter Five has been so painful and slow for me because that's how it was in real life. I read the chapter to my husband and asked him what he thought. He said, "Oh...it's intense. I seriously feel pain."

So I wonder why I am choosing to re-live this experience and my experiences in this memoir. Why am I going through the pain again? It was so hard to go through the first time. I barely made it through and now I'm re-living it again. Why?

Well, it's in the book. I guess you'll have to buy it to get the scoop. No, in all honesty I'm writing it to share my experience. I gained so much through this journey I've been on, but I had to go through some seriously difficult times. I had to follow my heart even though I felt like I might die.

It was a process. Life is a process. We all experience and go through things. What I have found is that its true. No pain, no gain. If you really want to experience life to its fullest, you can't remain stagnant and hide from your fears. Hiding or running from what scares you or what is painful only increases the fear or pain. You have to face life head on. Once you do you will realize that everything comes to pass. That it all changes. Instead of feeling restrictive or holding pain in your body out of fear, when you face life and accept the reality of life as it is, you will find that life becomes more fluid, that you don't feel as much pain, that you are stronger than you think. By facing your life, you become confident. It takes practice, but step by step, it will become so natural. Soon you realize that what you feared or what was painful for you was mostly created by you. By facing yourself and loving yourself as you are through both your fear and your pain, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Also posted on my blog Lessons from the Monk I Married where I have been writing 365 Lessons for 2010.

If you can't do it for yourself do it for others!

I have been a yo-yo exerciser since way back. It is silly really because I get on such a high after I exercise and it rubs off onto all areas of my life.

Why I don't make exercise full-time is one of the mysteries of my world! But, I have decided to beat myself at my own sabataging game and tap into a new kind of motivation.

IF I CAN'T DO IT FOR MYSELF ALONE, DO IT FOR OTHERS!

I asked myself what could I could commit to achieving that would leave me no room for quitting, something bigger than myself, something I would not let down.

The answer appeared to me: The Afghan Women's Writers Project: An online magazine run purely by a volunteer organisation to give Afghani Women a voice while the security situation remains unstable. The stories from the women who write here have touched my heart and I believe to be able to write to make sense of the world is so important, even moreso in a country where so much of your expression is not permitted.

Their Kabul team is setting up a writing corner for the Afghan writers.

The site, to open this month is located in a small nondescript apartment building in the capital, unmarked from the outside in one of the safer neighbourhoods.

A building guard lives on the premises. Here, the writers will be able to gather to send their poems, essays, read books, and partake in community along with chai.

This is the prototype of what they hope will eventually be Afghanistan's first women-only Internet Cafe.

I am using this AMAZING cause as inspiration to take the Couch to 5km http://www.c25k.com/ training regime. Currently I cannot run 200metres without stopping. BUT by the 12th of December I am determined to achieve this personal goal. RUNNING WIThOUT STOPPING (witnesses and vid cam on standby)


I am taking pledges from readers on what they will donate towards the Afghani Project upon completion of my run.

Love you to jump onboard. You can make a pledge in the comments section here, subscribe to Sharnanigans and follow my weekly progress, or join my Facebook Page.
I will be including stories from the women in Afghanistan in my weekly updates to keep the inspiration alive.
Lesson? If you can't do it for yourself, do it for OTHERS

Please be generous and pledge!

If you can't do it for me, do it for the women in Afghanistan!

Mansi asks: Do you believe what goes around comes around?

I am really not sure what I think about this question.

I certainly don't believe in destiny, kismet, fate, call it what you will ... even though many eventful happenings in my life have been attributed to that amorphous, yet comforting, idea.

But the concept of karma ... or what goes around, comes around has always intrigued me.

It disturbs me because it trivializes the notion of doing good for good's sake -- making it more of an undertaking for fear of retribution.

Karma is a bitch, say people, when they see a tyrant die a painful, slow death. Or when a miser's children are killed in a car crash.

We like to think there is some power in the cosmos keeping tabs on our daily activities, an account of all our wrongdoings that will eventually catch up with us in some form or the other: loss of loved ones, cancer, loneliness, etcetera.

But then why do rapists, murderers, corrupt public officials with whom the law enforcement or justice systems haven't caught up, not suffer? Why do we see those who squash, plunder, and ravage other people's dreams and lives thriving in an abundance of health and wealth?

Some say it's because they face a bigger judgment day. Convenient, eh?

They don't know that. No one does.

It's just something we've invented to keep societies form getting out of control. You see a bad person not getting his due in this life and you pacify yourself with the "knowledge" that someone up there is watching ... That the Supreme Power will make him pay one day.

What about paying for your "sins" here and now? I don't see that happening with 100 percent accuracy ... Or even 50 percent of the time.

Just because someone has been a law abiding, generous, upstanding citizen and a compassionate, loving human being, doesn't mean that person won't die of pancreatic cancer.

And conversely just because someone has been corrupt all his life, doesn't mean he will "get what he deserves."

That's just not what happens.

And yet, there's some romance in the idea ... A sense of optimism and hope ... That we will reap what we sow.

So, my readers, what's your verdict?

Mansi asks: do you believe what goes around comes around?

Chime in.

Also posted on my blog.

In this moment

Photo courtesy of
Bing images

If you read my blog occasionally, you'll know that quite often I will gather inspiration from a quote. This has happened today. Being a fan of Jerry and Esther Hicks, authors of many books on Universal Law as delivered by Abraham, I receive weekly emails to my Inbox that contain a Quote of the Day. Today's quote is as follows:

No one can deny you or grant you anything. It all comes to you by virtue of your vibration. - Abraham (Excerpted from the workshop in Lincroft, NJ on Tuesday, October 15th, 1996 #600)

You know how sometimes, God/Universe will interact with us in a beautiful way and deliver just the most perfect thought that matches how we're feeling? This is what occurred with the above quote, and it is the personification of Universal Law, to my way of thinking.

I have made no secret of the fact that Life isn't always a bright, sunshiney, flower-strewn meadow for me. I step out of bed each day with my own personal challenges, responsibilities and dreams to better myself and my circumstances. Some days I hit the best note possible, other days I don't. Here very recently, I have been making more of those wee steps of progression, embracing the better thoughts, choosing to focus on uplifting mindset.

And today, in the small, quiet hours of the morning, just moments prior to reading the Hicks-Abraham quote, I was smiling because I was very consciously aware of feeling....happy. That warm, satisfied, just all around good feeling that we are occasionally blessed with was suffusing my mind and body. Then I opened the email containing the quote above and I laughed out loud at the delightful Divine Order of it all.

I am in a space where my skills are being recognized and appreciated by colleagues - both those in the blogging world, and also those in the professional arenas where I make my living. I am building up a client roster of people that I truly enjoy working with, and this makes me equally happy. As Abraham has indicated, this generates happiness and that uplifting tone, harmony and energy begets more of the same. It has happened over a vast stretch of time for me, yet now that it is clearly manifesting, it has almost caught me off guard with the gentle evidence.

My last post, Choosing Positivity, was a requested guest post for Mansi Bhatia's wonderful blog, First Impressions. Perhaps this post is an adjunct, or continuation of that general theme. Normally, I do my best to not repeat themes in concurrent blog posts, but this is what hit me this morning and it felt appropriate to write about.

I have pondered esoteric laws and concepts from my very early years, as I have always been a rapt student of this type of knowledge. For a great many years, I understood the concept of Universal Law on an intellectual basis, but it was the nuances that escaped me. I spent many years focusing more on the "Don't wants" than focusing on what felt better in that particular moment. When I finally came to clarity on that specific application of Universal Law, I remember rolling my eyes at myself with how I managed to overlook that part of the whole equation for so long. As we all know, the Lightbulb Moments hit when we are ready to receive them. I was close, so very close in my younger years to that clarity, but not quite ready to fully grasp the simplicity therein.



Photo courtesy of
Bing images

I'm very good at what I call "getting in my own way". I have a strong tendency to do things the hard way first, every time. Why, you might ask? My brain just seems to be hardwired in that manner. Until someone points out the exquisite beauty and obviousness of the more simple approach, it just doesn't occur to me to do it that way. It can be comical to family and friends, because I confuse them at times with my elaborate approach to some very simple task, applying great amounts of energy and concentration and enthusiasm...until someone says, "Dawn, have you ever thought of doing it THIS way?" This is the point where I always stop dead, absolutely captivated by their suggestion, my brain all a-goggle with the searingly simple method they have suggested. It is as though the Heavens open and a bright ray of sunshine beams down upon my fair head, with an accompanying orchestra and choir in the background.

No, I'm really not kidding. Sometimes I really do just do things the hard way first. Okay, LOTS of times I do things the hard way first. It's just my nature, apparently. This is not to say, however, that I enjoy making things difficult for myself! Indeed, it is always a goal of mine to simplify and find more logical methods.

At this point in my life, I feel I have come to a very solid, positive approach that serves me well. I know this because when I check in with myself throughout the day, the majority of the time, I detect joy. Happiness is the note of the morning for me and I have to admit, it feels pretty darned good! What makes it even more enjoyable is that I am quite aware that I am responsible for this inner feeling of satisfaction and happiness. I have chosen the steps to maintain that positive outlook, even during the days where I would much rather embrace gloom and irritability. I've made that conscious effort to focus on the next best feeling thought and emotion.

Oftentimes, that next best feeling thought is tiny....minor to the point of being relevant only to my heart. Yesterday, it was me standing at the mailbox and glancing up in the sky to see a cloud shaped like a bird's wing. This morning, it was the simple realization that although my work is not where I would wish for it to be just yet, it IS getting there. I have work coming in the door after a very long, stressful dry period, and it is work that I enjoy. I am helping people and making a difference in the world with these new projects, and for me as a writer, this is sublimely satisfying. That satisfaction is glowing inside of me this morning, blossoming into a larger sensation of happiness as I take time to identify it, focus upon it and feel appreciation for it.

So, today, my inner feeling is one of simple happiness. Nothing complex, although admittedly the path to get here was riddled with obstacles and myriad frustrations at times. I am happy, in this moment, and I am taking time to focus on this emotion that is welling up inside me. I imagine it to be a warm glowing ball of Light, much as I have described in other blog posts, and I imagine that this same emotion, this same energy, vibration and tone is calling out. Remember, my friends, that thoughts and words are energy and translate into electrical impulses that dart outward to the Universe! According to Universal Law, this energy is attracted to similar energy...vibrating and spinning, flying outward to unite with more of the same, then returning to us, bringing again, more of the same. More of the same, only amplified!

Photo courtesy of
Bing images

 I am reaping the benefits of structuring my thoughts, habits and actions, and these benefits are that I am happy, satisfied and feeling fulfilled on many different levels. My plan for navigating the day is to continue to dwell in this feeling of happiness. In each moment that I focus on this quiet sensation of bliss, I am, in effect, dialing accurately into the vibration of God/Universe/Spirit and creating a high level of harmony that will continue to perpetuate itself. In this moment, this awareness brings a smile. In this moment, I greet myself as an incredible part of the bigger picture that creates my reality. In this moment, I am basking in a lovely, happy place. I hope your own day brings you equal joy, my friends.
______________________________
If you enjoyed this post and would like to read more, you can find me at Healing Morning blog.

Protect Your Dreams

I had a dream the other night !

It’s not quite as big as Martin Luther King Jnr’s dream and I don’t think it will affect or alter too many people’s lives other than mine, but it is an important dream non the less and it’s MY dream !

I used to dream a lot as a child. I would dreams so vivid that I could smell and taste them, dreams that were so strong that I could get up several times in the middle of the night, get a drink and walk around for a bit then go back to bed and jump straight back into the dream where I left off. A dream world filled with adventure and mystery, a parallel universe to my reality world, a world that at times helped me understand my real world and then at other times poked fun at my real world to show me that it wasn’t as serious as I felt it was at the time.

They were very rarely nightmares and were usually pleasant and insightful. My dreams always seemed to help me understand my real world better and in times of confusion they helped me find answers.

I’m not really sure when I stopped dreaming but I vaguely remember stopping around the time that I left school and entered the workforce, a long time ago anyway.

I’m also not really sure why I stopped dreaming but suspect it was because of a lost connection with myself, a lost innocence and connection to my higher self, brought about by my temptation of a largely material world which I had been introduced to through the entry into the workforce and a supply of income that I never previously had.

Suddenly I didn’t have time to sit and contemplate, I didn’t have time to relax into a deep and secure dream world, I had lost the ability to STOP! To stop and smell the roses, stop to actually hear myself think and time to listen to myself. I was too busy to connect.

With my loss of connection to my higher self was the loss to understand my real would with the clarity that I once enjoyed and it also heralded a period in my life filled with chaos and self-doubt.

Interestingly enough, the loss of my ability to dream also coincided with my loss of drive or ambition to artistically create. I used to love painting and I actually won a few encouragement awards for my paintings and drawings back in my high school days. I also used to write a lot of poetry and always dreamed of learning the guitar and putting my poems to song like one of my artistic Idols “ Bob Dylan ”.

Nude Lady © 1985 By Andrew Swansson ( My Last Painting )

I have attempted to reconnect with my artistic side may times over the years but could never find that river to tap unless I was in a period of turmoil and self-reflection. Now while I loved the artistic fruits of these moments of deep self-reflection they were more times than not painful periods in my life and it got to the stage that I preferred not to connect rather than take my mind and soul to these dark places to find inspiration. I wanted to connect in the light again and was not willing to walk in the dark.

My life as it turns out has taken many rough roads over the last 5 years and in the process my life has fundamentally changed in many ways. With these changes have come the deep realisation of mortality and the realisation of what is really important in life. The realisation that life is limited and the most precious commodity that we could ever hope to hold. The problem with this is that we can’t buy more when we run out of our life’s allocation, once you have used, spent or squandered your allocation that you were given on the day that you were born, it’s gone. You can’t buy any more life, you can’t borrow any more life and you certainly can’t steal any more life once yours is gone.

So life is precious and the lives of those that you love and hold close are equally as precious. To share your life with another person, and to have them openly share theirs with you has a profound effect on the average life, it makes them Shine ! And when they shine they illuminate your world in such a way that it removes all the dark places and dark corners, it illuminates your life and allows you to see your world in a perfect clarity, it allows you to see the path forward.

Another thing I have learnt in recent years is that of priorities and the real importance of “ Stuff ”. It has magnified my “R.I.S.E” gauge. Now my R.I.S.E gauge or should I say “ Real . Important . Stuff . Evaluation ” is quite simply my assessment of what is really import and what is an illusion created by society and marketing.

For example, my awesome 42 inch Plasma TV can’t make my lonely heart feel any better on a cold winter night when I am home alone. Sleeping alone with 7 pillows in a top of the line king size bed and pillow top mattress is nowhere near as comfortable as sleeping in an old wire base bed and 15 year old mattress when shared with the one you love on a cold winter night. Having that impressive high flying corporate job that pays a squillion dollars means nothing if you go home to an empty house or even worse, a full house where no one knows who you are because you have so little time to spend with them and communicate with them. All that money will only help pay the solicitors arrange a settlement. Having a successful corporate career does not equal a rich and rewarding life. The sweetest sound is that of a child laughing, the most honest words are the words of children, the most important place to be is here and now, home is where your heart is, the truth is more valuable than the answer you were hoping for, Bigger houses are only better because they have more storage space for your stuff, cuddles are fuel for the soul, happiness is having yourself as your best friend and you can never lie successfully to the person in the mirror.

I wrote a poem a few years back called Love is Elusive and the first section goes like this “ Love is elusive, Love is a dream, Love is always there but rarely seen, our eyes are closed to the simplest of things, of what love is and what it means.” By connecting with our R.I.S.E Gauge we can all open our eyes and understand better.

As I started to say at the beginning of this Blog, I have had a dream again. In fact I have started to have many dreams lately and while I won’t go into specifics of these dreams the important thing is that I am having dreams again.

Partly due to being made redundant four and a bit months ago and partly because of changes in my life’s circumstances I have found myself stopping and listening to life. Listening to the birds in the morning, listening to my heart. I have been looking at life through the lens of my camera and actively seeking out beauty in this world. I have been listening to natures little clues to know which road to travel to find that next beautiful moment and to capture it in time with my camera.

I have been actively reducing my material possessions and distractions to a point of needs rather than just wants and I have been reducing my consumptions based on boredom and frustration until I reached the point of consumption based on needs.

All of this has made life a more real entity with purpose rather that a life based on distraction.


Now I don’t know if this is just a coincidence or an equal reaction to my actions but suddenly I am dreaming once again.

“ I Have A Dream ”

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Thank you for taking the time to read my Blog

Dohi