Presence and Contemplation

Place your attention here and now with me in this moment. Begin to focus your attention first on your breathing and slow your breathing down. You may want to take a couple of deep, cleansing breaths and then begin to slow your breathing down. As you focus on your breathing and on slowing it down, feel your entire body relax.

Feel the facial muscles relax, unfurrow your brow, relax your mouth and jaw, relax your neck. Allow the feeling of relaxation flow through your entire body as you continue to focus on slowing down your breathing. Allow any tension in the body to simply melt away, feel the tension melt away as you slow down your breathing.

Focus on slowing down your thoughts as you continue to feel yourself relax, allow your thoughts to become gentle thoughts. Allow tenderness and gentleness to enter as you allow any harsh and stressful thoughts to simply pass by. Allow the stream of activity in your brain, the chatter to slow down, to pass away, as you feel a gentle tenderness fill you.

Allow all thoughts to pass away, even hurtful thoughts or thoughts of anger, just allow them to pass by and dissolve away. You can allow all thoughts, even if they are stressful or disturbing to simply pass by as mental activity, nothing important to hold onto, it is just the brain performing a function, just as the heart performs the function of pumping blood through your body.

Allow the peace and calm that fills you as you continue to relax and allow random thoughts to simply pass away encourage forgiveness. Allow any and all thoughts that can be replaced with forgiveness to pass away and allow forgiveness to fill that space.

A quote from Lord Edwary Hyde Clarendon for you to contemplate:

Anger is the most impotent of passions. It affects nothing it touches and hurts the one who is possessed by it more than the one against whom it is directed. 

I run a regular series every Friday offering presence and contemplation at my blog The Evolving Spirit

    

The Satin Mules

The story is strangely familiar but not often told: a woman falls in love with a shoe. Not a practical shoe of sturdy brown leather, a loafer or a hiking boot, but a beautiful shoe, its heels rising to an uncomfortable height, its fabric delicate and easily soiled, its color evoking feeling--the red flame of a flamenco dance, the pink of dreamy girls dancing the ballet, the sour yellow of hard candies savored in youth.

My friend, Meg, described by her partner as a "feminist fashion plate," has a passion for beautiful shoes. She plays accordion in a punk polka band, writes original music scores, and has her own theater company. Meg's closet is filled with a fantastic collection of shoes, many of them stiletto heeled in Mexican turquoise, Chinese red, silver sequins, kelly green patent leather, leopard spotted fake fur, to name a few. She has strappy sandals, iridescent tennis shoes, and boots that rise up the length of her thighs. Meg has even written a musical with a tap dance number in which the dancers perform in front of flashing projections of shoes singing "shoe box, shoe box" instead of "shoo bop, shoo bop."

For a long time I didn't understand Meg's shoe fetish. I'd heard of women going crazy for shoes a la Imelda Marcos but I had never, until recently, felt my own passion surge for a shoe. I have always chosen my shoes thoughtfully, buying well-made brands to support my back. In matters of style I've paid attention to current shapes and textures--pointed or square toes, shiny or matte--acquiring perhaps one or two pairs a year to update my wardrobe but keeping my purchases on the sensible, versatile side. My shoes are inevitably black or brown, low-heeled, tailored.

But last week I spotted a pair of red mules--backless high heeled slippers made of richly embroidered satin. Perhaps it was the generous cut of the fabric over the top of the foot or the slight point of the toe, but as I slipped the mules onto my feet, my mind filled with images of exotic, sensuous worlds. I saw rooms with Moorish archways and Persian rugs, their air perfumed by hookahs sending up sweet, delicate puffs of smoke. I saw lush-bellied women in silken harem pants, eyes rimmed with kohl, bodies swathed with scarves, gold bangles jingling softly upon their wrists. My imagination traveled to a glittering affair in a Venetian villa off the Grand Canal, masked partygoers laughing gaily as ladies’ frilly dresses swept across marble floors.

I must have stood long in those shoes, lost in my reverie. It was abruptly shattered by the inquiry of a sales clerk.

"Do you need some help?"

A moment of reflection on the dull status of my social life told me that I'd probably never have occasion to wear the mules, and the practical side of me, which tends to be quite bossy, said a firm "no" to both clerk and shoes.

But later that evening the satin mules crept into my thoughts. They had touched that part of my brain and heart where memories of exquisite and impractical objects I have loved are stored. In that gallery of memories gleams the brushed gold Italian heart that my mother hung on a thin chain around my eight year old neck, making me feel like a princess. Also there reside the many dolls that my father collected for me in his travels around the world, a virtual U.N. that somehow disappeared with my childhood. And there rests the memory of my mother in a sexy, red Chi Pao or traditional Chinese style dress, her slim waist cinched tiny, her lipstick and hair dark and glossy under the lights.

The next day I returned to the store and, without hesitation, purchased the shoes. The satin mules fed my eyes and my imagination. They provided an unmitigated pleasure in a complicated life. And that is how I managed to fall in love with a shoe.

Tend your bucket!

After half a week full of interactions with various connections who displayed a strong level of negative traits and behaviors on various topics and in various ways, I had a conversation with my wonderful Mom on the phone. As she always does, she listened, let me vent and just gave me that soft place to fall. Once I calmed down from a rare moment of true, hot anger, we began discussing how this is one of those Life Lessons we all must learn - when to recognize that a relationship has become so out of balance that you're exhausting yourself with the maintenance of said relationship.

I mentioned to my Mom that the process begins to feel as though you're endlessly pouring water into a bucket that has a hole in the bottom. For a while, if you work fast you can keep the water level high, but you can't ever rest. Eventually the water level sinks and you have to rush to pour more water in. Liken the water to your emotions, the bucket to the relationship and the hole at the bottom represents that other person, job, etc., that is in essence, draining you empty.

We all have moments, sometimes extended periods, where we aren't the best side of a given relationship. Everyone has down times, bad days, grumpy days and low energy moments. What I'm speaking of, however, is more than that. I am discussing those relationships where you give and give and give, then you give some more, and you're patient, understanding, helpful, supportive, compassionate, caring and loving. That other person is happy to soak it all up...all those wonderful things and all that sumptuous attention from you. Who wouldn't?! It's easy to be on the receiving end of all that nice, handy support! If you're lucky, the majority of the people in your life are equally nurturing and supportive in return, giving you back ample amounts of the energy that you give. Occasionally, and we all have had these types of relationships, there is that person who never gives back.

'Emotional vampire' is a term I have often used to describe this type of personality. I wouldn't go so far as to call them 'bad', as I don't ascribe to the belief that people are completely or intrinsically evil for the most part. I would describe them as broken vessels, or that bucket with the hole in the bottom. Something has happened to them that has created an endless need for attention, and an utter lack of understanding of the notion of reciprocation. 'Fairweather friend' is another, similar term that would apply, as these people tend to be around and happy to bask in the sunshine of good days. Conversely, these people tend to carry a dark storm cloud around with them! Usually, the moment adversity comes, or crisis happens, they vanish. You hear from them when THEY are in a crisis in a heartbeat, of course, and they fully expect you to come running to their rescue.

Viewed from a calmer heart, I can write about this with humor, because it can be rather ironic to experience the extremes with these people. Don't get me wrong, there are times when my own bucket springs a leak. Most times when this happens, I can tend to that leak on my own and resume daily tasks. Once in a while, the leak is rather impressive and requires some additional energy - a helping, loving hand. I am not ashamed to reach out and ask for help at these moments, although I admit that this is a hard won lesson and wasn't easy to learn. I am happy to say that I am blessed with loving, supportive family and friends whom I know I can depend on in times of need. I know this because they tend to their own buckets on a daily basis.

They are well balanced and able to both give and receive love, care and support, and they are emotionally available and present in their friendships and family relationships. Of course, no one walking the planet is perfect and without flaws. I've said many times that it would be a sad, dull world if we were perfect. We're here to learn and grow, after all. Some days we soar and other days we take spectacular nose dives.

This tending to your own personal bucket is an analogy for being responsible for your actions. Those simple rules we're taught as a child work very well throughout life; Do Unto Others As You Would Have Them Do Unto You. If you're having a day where your bucket has sprung a leak, take a moment to look at it and identify the cause. Be kind to yourself, forgive whatever actions were done to cause the leak to occur, and then apply a steady hand to repairing the leak. Look about you afterwards to ascertain if your leak may have caused damage to anyone else. Did your bucket spray all over others unwittingly? If so, acknowledging that you had a rotten day and sincerely explaining that you're sorry can be magical and healing.

Simply be mindful of your actions. That sounds much easier than the true reality, as we all know! There will be days that you need that helping hand to patch the leaks on your bucket; there will be different days where you need help replenishing the water in your bucket. There is no shame in turning to family and friends for help in recharging your heart and filling you back up with love. The only true sadness that I find in this situation is dealing with individuals who simply take and use eternally.

When you finally reach your point of exhaustion - and you will reach it! - when you're just too tired to make one more trip to the well to pour water into that other person's bucket for them, when you are personally drained dry and cannot summon the energy to be there for them one more time, you will be ready to walk away and leave them to their own devices. This may hurt to do it, and you will probably worry for a while about that person. Who is filling their bucket daily? How are they repairing all those leaks that keep springing? What if their bucket runs dry?

The answer is, suprisingly, if any or all of the above happen, consider it a blessing for that person and an opportunity for them to finally take responsibility for their own existence. It can be a harsh lesson to learn when your bucket is abandoned and runs dry and you're left standing there with no idea what to do next.

If you have reached that point yourself, I encourage you to resist the urge to fall back into old habits and run to the next available person to refill your bucket and take on the task of keeping it filled. Try filling it yourself. Just try. See what happens and how you feel. Notice how much energy it takes to keep that bucket full, what with the constant rushing to and fro with another bucket to accomplish the task. You'll quickly realize it takes a lot of energy! Now, step back, regroup, and find a method to patch the leaks in your bucket. Refill it with water and see how strong your patch is.

Sometimes your patch will hold strong and true. Other times you'll have to do it several times, just like allowing a wound to heal, before the patch finally holds. Most of us recognize the solid sense of satisfaction that is found in tending to our own buckets. We grow as individuals when we take these actions into our own hands, and over time, our buckets spring fewer and fewer leaks.

I like to think at some point that they begin to morph from your garden variety galvanized bucket to something a bit more refined. Perhaps a shinier bucket, or a crystal vase, maybe something fashioned out of elegant woven materials - I imagine that each transformation is unique to each person and their vessel represents their personality. My vessel would definitely be an amphorae - a pottery jar or urn of ancient Greek or Mesopotamian design. This shape has always pleased my eye. But I digress.

What began as a way to blow off some frustration about a relationship that I have identified as one that is no longer viable has shifted gears and journeyed to this matter of tending to your own bucket. I recognized today that this relationship has been a successive odyssey of me filling someone else's bucket that has a huge hole in the bottom as well as multiple leaks all around it. I recognized that I have been exhausting myself with this relationship and it is time to walk away and allow that proverbial bucket to run dry. Its owner will either learn to tend to it, or they will not.

The other important thought to express is that if you do allow yourself to get sucked into these one-sided relationships, while you are busy tending to that other person's bucket, your own vessel is being neglected. The water is getting stagnant, the metal is possibly rusting, maybe the handle has become less secure. It is imperative that we tend to ourselves, my friends! A healthy 'home', or 'vessel' will support you and allow you to be the vital, beautiful, generous, loving Spirit that you are. A neglected vessel will cause you to falter. Of the many lessons sprinkled throughout this blog, perhaps this is the most dramatic to remember. Be kind to others, of a certainty. Express love, care, compassion, support and all other manner of emotions to those around you. At the same time, be mindful of surrounding yourself with those who cheerfully give those emotions in return on a regular basis. Seek balance in all things!

In so doing, your personal bucket will stay in Tip Top condition, and your radiance will broadcast to the world around you. I think we all want to be viewed as someone who exhibits all those wonderful traits listed above. We all want to be appreciated for the content of our character and for the quality of our actions. A well tended bucket makes for a healthy person! It sounds a bit far fetched and bizarre as far as analogies go, but I find it a very sound concept. Perhaps if you're fortunate, your diligent care of your personal bucket will attract something like this wee creature...the Lady Bug. I find her to be a positive note to end this blog. A cheerful nod and benediction from Mother Nature and God/Universe that your bucket is sound and and well tended.
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If you have enjoyed this blog and would like to read more, you can find me at Healing Morning blog.

Why you'll find me wearing bike shorts and other weird stuff...

One of my favourite meals to eat out is breakfast. There is nothing more lovely than a pot of hot tea, some scrambled eggs and thick toast that someone else has prepared for me first thing in the morning....sitting with the paper, chatting with hubby or merely watching the world go by... it is truly a delightful way to start the day.

Over the years, whilst partaking in such culinary excursions, I have often seen groups of cyclists that migrate to cafes to socialise and savour a few of the calories they have no doubt just earned themselves.

To be honest, whilst scoffing my own eggs, I never really gave them too much thought, except to wonder why they all get so dressed up in full cycling gear and shoes just so they can go out for a leisurely Saturday morning ride. Why not just throw on some trackies and runners... surely that would be easier? 

Well, I have to confess... I know why they do what they do. 

I am becoming one of them.

A casual cycling invitation from a friend a few weeks back brought about the welcome realisation that riding is something I actually really enjoy and want to do more of. 

It had been at least 10 years since I rode a bike... probably more... but there is some truth to the cliche about getting back on a bike... you don't forget how to ride. What I have learned, though, is that riding for sport is a little different to jumping on the bmx with my brothers or riding a few blocks to get to school. 

There is stuff you really need.

The same stuff I have seen on all the cyclists around town.

Firstly, there is a very compelling rationale behind wearing padded bike shorts. I know they look anything but glamorous (and trust me, they make you feel as though you have a small towel wedged between your legs); however, the repercussions of spending 2 or more hours on a tiny bicycle seat cannot be underestimated. Need I say more?

Secondly, occasionally while riding, you have need of certain things...a chap stick... a tissue, perhaps... and there is nothing more frustrating than having to stop and unload your knapsack every time... thus, a cycling shirt with pockets in the back is really very useful. 

There are also certain obvious necessities... a helmet, a water bottle and somewhere to keep your phone and keys... but honestly, it does not end there.

There are arm warmers, ear warmers, leg warmers, riding glasses, wind jackets, gloves, cycling socks, spare tubes, standing pumps, mini pumps, riding shoes, clips... and a whole bunch of other things I had never even heard of until just a couple of weeks ago.

Despite the fact that some of the products available are definitely optional, they are created to make a cyclist's life more comfortable and to ensure that the ride is as efficient as possible. You can do it the hard way, or you can invest in a few accessories and actually enjoy the ride. I would hazard a guess that not too many keen cyclists can keep up with the long, regular rides without the protective and supportive gear...which is obviously why they all look the part. 

In order to get the full benefit of cycling, I am even considering buying riding shoes and pedals... (the full benefit being the fact that, apparently, riding with shoe clips equates to virtually NO cellulite. I am sold!)

I am going to get myself equipped for cycling.... but, more importantly, I am going to continue to press into the Word of God so that I am equipped for living....there will be hills to climb, valleys to coast down and obstacles to get around... I am going to need all the help I can get!

We are so quick to buy every available addition we can for hobbies and sports and the like, yet we so often attempt to ride through life without all of the accessories and benefits God has made available to us! There are so many promises in God's Word which encourage us and guide our way... He arms us with weapons to fight the enemies in our path and He clothes us in His righteousness. His love covers us and helps us to bounce back when we fall. 

And what is even better..... the beauty of God's equipment is that it doesn't make you look at all daggy or awkward. 

"Praise the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits..." Psalm 103:2

Swapping Roles

Sometimes I'm not sure who is the wisest in this Mother/Son game... hoot hoot...

“The value of marriage is not that adults produce children, but that children produce adults.” - Peter de Vries

I was having an online chat with my friend Juliette today, she always inspires me – she home-schools her son, runs an inspirational book store and is soon to go to America to do a workshop based upon ‘Nurturing Spirituality in Children’, with author of said book, Peggy Joy Jenkins.

She is so excited about this her words danced off the screen and did a square dance in my lounge room!

I confessed to Juliette that I was struggling to nurture the spirituality in Monte, though I desperately wish I could.

By that I mean  I want to nurture what is natural and authentic about him before modern and pop culture influence him to such a degree that he starts to lose sight of the very soul that he is, now.

The last couple of days have been challenging to say the least.

I’m not sure whether it’s because Monte has entered a new phase of independence or if I am just losing the plot or a combination of the two but suffice it to say mayhem has a new address.

Every new phase Monte enters, I enter one as well.

Traditionally, you think of raising the child as the parent teaching all they know to this innocent little being, and it is the parent that is all wise and knowing- but it is the opposite, my God it is the opposite.

I am the student and Monte is the teacher, massively.

In the last couple of days Monte has really been focusing on areas I need to develop: Patience and presence of mind.

To teach me these tough lessons he has come up with some really creative techniques.

1) Running around house with enormous knife from the dishwasher

2) Climbing onto Dining Table and standing up on it laughing

3) Eating a crayon

4) Using a pencil to eat an apple

5) Smudging yogurt on the couch

6) Screaming like he is auditioning for the Exorcist when I take something away from him or put him in the car, or … want him to go back to sleep at 5am.

So far, I have failed both my exams and my assignments in patience. In fact, I got a big fat D and a little note saying “You really need to cultivate presence of mind and patience, while Monte teaches you about these things, you are simultaneously teaching him through your reactions. See if you can rework them”

Since getting my D yesterday, of course, I have done what all failing Mothers do – berate themselves with the “I’m no good as a Mother,” “Why did I react how I did?” “I’m a horrible person” and yes, there have been some tears shed and some arms flung into the air with “I don’t know how to do this!”

But, thanks to Juliette and that fabulous quote she sent my way just when I needed it – I have looked for the lessons from Monte.

I am onto him, I am going to do a right back at ya lesson and show him that I can be patient, I can be present (and I can put the knives somewhere out of his reach).

I am going to be grateful that he has shone a light on areas that need improving and I am going to rise to the challenge by consciously improving them.

Sure, I could keep my arms flung in the air and keep the mantra ” I am no good at this” or I can embrace the challenge and cultivate what needs cultivating.

If I can pull this together and turn my impatience into patience and my non-presence into presence – I will be able to look Monte in the eye and confidently say “So, who is the teacher now?”

For more Sharnanigans please visit my website 

365 Lessons-Lesson 137: Be Kind

My religion is very simple. My religion is kindness. -Dalai Lama

Why is so hard to be kind? Why do we choose hate over love?

I have opened myself up here. I've let myself out of the box and it was not easy. For the most part, I have found kindness. But I have also sensed other emotions. The tug and pull of others upon us is really only the tug and pull of ourselves. It's very hard to love someone whose mission seems to be to point a finger and destroy all that is in you that is good. But I find that compassion for myself and others is what is really needed. I think of how many times this has occurred in history.

Saints, sages, political figures, common folk who dared to be different, but were shunned for being who they are. Some crucified, hanged, cursed and hated for only wanting good. I don't know what is wrong with wanting and feeling joy, peace, love, and happiness and wanting to share these with others. What is in human nature that makes us want to hate these beautiful things in others? Why can't joy be shared? Why are we afraid to honor and appreciate the successes of others knowing that we are not really separate from one another, we are one in the same. What makes people turn green with envy and want to shut others out of their lives completely. What makes a person say, "I will never forgive you, forever." Forever rolling in their own misery.

It takes a very compassionate person to love the one who wants to kill them. How do you muster up this compassion? How do you replace hate with love? How do you love the one who silently hates? Or an even harder question, how do you love the one who verbally and physically hates?

So I keep practicing. Just keep going inside. Just keep loving. I give all the love in the world to myself. I give all the kindness in the world to myself. If I can't love myself with every ounce of my being and give kindness and gentleness to myself with every ounce of my being, how can I love the world? How can I find room in my heart to love the one who is hurting so much that all they can do is inflict that hurt on others, however subtly?

Fortunately, I've also found love, peace and kindness to be contagious. There are more people who would rather share these feelings. You never know how your presence will affect another, but if what you feel, say and do feels right to you and you feel good, chances are others will too. I received a postcard in my college mailbox that had the Chinese character for kindness on it. I was surprised. The person who gave it to me hardly knew me, but I had invited my colleagues to partake in a party at my house and she felt thankful. The Chinese character for kindness shows the symbol for person combined with the number two symbolizing benevolence, the essential kindness one person shows another. This is what was written on the card:



So I'm going to keep walking with this love in me. I'm going to keep shining this light. I'm going to keep being kind.

Also on my blog Lessons from the Monk I Married

365 Lessons-Lesson 135: Express Your Inner World Through Art

Today was an art and yoga workshop at Yoon's Yoga Bliss, my husband's yoga school. It was a beautiful day outside but six of us gathered inside to do art and yoga. My best friend from elementary school, Helena Hillinga Haas, is an art therapist. My husband is a yoga teacher. They combined their talents to bring us all inward and bring the art that is within us out.

We started out by doing simple yoga asanas to help tune us in to the process. We meditated a bit before we started creating. There was not much instruction once we started. One by one, we got up and silently went to the art table to collect supplies that resonated with us. There were pieces of paper with circles on them. If we wanted to, we could create a mandala. The circular shape of the mandala helps to center the mind.



It was a very intuitive process. People worked silently for an hour and were very engaged. The hour flew by so fast, I hardly realized time passing. I think we were all in the moment.



When we finished, we all stood in a circle and meditated on what we had just created. Then, we slowly walked around the circle and stopped at each person's creation and took it in. It was amazing to see how different each work of art was. It truly showed the diversity of each of us.

We closed the class with a short meditation. It was very nice to share yoga, meditation and art in a lovely yoga studio today. I feel that by tuning into the creative process, we can learn so much about ourselves and others. It was a wonderful experience.