Monday, March 29, 2010

My Swan Song

I am a profoundly unhappy person. It is true and I cannot help it. I try to walk through life counting my blessings and holding to everything I can, no matter how feeble, to help me get by. It is one step at a time, it is grudingly ...I am who I am. Of course I would've wanted to be another person, to live another life but I canot change the facts, no matter how much I try. So, instead of chasing the windmills I have to accept my fate. I know I made a lot of mistakes in life, at least I tried each and every time to go against fate and I failed and I have been paying since. No point to dwell in the past, though. It is done and finished. Now, I have to concentrate on the future. To take my unhappiness and twist it make it work for me the way happiness and contentment work for others. I will do it even if it will be the last thing I'm doing...

Of course I wanted to have a career, a loving husband, a supporting family and community, beauty, wealth and so on. But I don't have them. And what I had, I lost because of my naivete or stupidity.I have only my stuborness and my fantasy, my children, my books, my dreams and God. And my Armageddon, the last battle, my swan song, my writing. And these are the things I cling to with all my strength. Because they are only mine and their doing and un-doing depend only on me. No other.

So I'll take my feelings and my tears and my pain and weave them with the love for God and for my children and the outcome will me my making and only mine. And then I will be able to say "Nothing can hurt me now because I've been hurt so much I made my failure my armor and dissapoinment my sword".

My swan song, verses - my bitterness, melody - my loneliness. I take them all and disolve them in my being. I accept who I am and what I've done. And hold my head high...


Marilyn said...

Ramona...pain is comfortable when it becomes all you know. Do the brave thing, the unsafe thing...let it go.
I love you...

Katherine Jenkins said...

Ramona-Is this really who you are or who you want to be? I don't see this when I think of you. I see a strong, compassionate, woman and author. I just want to let you know that I truly believe you can be anyone you want to be. Everyone has this I'm with Marilyn on this one. Lots of LOVE to you, Kathy

Lynne Walker said...

Hi Ramona,
I don't know you, and I'm new to this blog, and you are half-way around the world, but I hope there is someone there for you to talk to. I don't want to minimize whatever you're going through, but I want you to know that if you have children and God, you are RICH! We can't always see this, but our love is NEEDED in this world. Your children and God want to love you and be loved by you. I pray that God will bless you and keep you.

Anonymous said...

Ramona, I'm wondering if perhaps you are confusing unhappiness with exhaustion. I think you are being far too hard on yourself, as often mothers tend to be, you wanted to have a career - you do, you are a mother.

I can't think of any one career more important, more daunting, more exhausting, or more rewarding.
You have been reaching for an unreachable perfection, a fantasy, something that simply does not exist.

How do I know this? Because I've been there myself. I bet you can find any number of mothers, or just women in general who can tell you the same thing.

Here's the truth. You are perfect. Just as you are. Love yourself as you are loved.

List me as one of those who loves you.

Alone in Holy Land said...

I think in this blog the comments are as good as the posts!
I am really blessed to have people who care "around" me (around as in a kind of cosmic togethernes).
I don't know who I am any more, living in this country and having a baby in my forties did this to me...But when I wrote this post I felt a kind of acceptance of who I am now and not in a bad sense. Yes, am unhappy, yes I am this and that but in the end I am going to twist all this feelings into something good. At least I hope so.
You guys are great!
Love you from the bottom of my heart!