Friday, October 7, 2011

at a loss...



I must admit that I have neglected my postings lately...

see these past 12 months have been filled with a whole shit load of loss... it's taken the proverbial wind out of my sails for the last little bit.. melancholy is right now, a very good word.

started with the death of my marriage last December, and all that come with the decision to end a relationship.. next comes the filing for divorce and a revisiting of memories of what I/We had hoped would be on into the future... the forms are printed, partly filled in and that is as far as I have gotten... the undoing of the promises and dreams, comes down to some procedural court filings and a countdown to the day they can be processed into the end of what once was...

then came the death of my dear friends 14 day old grandson due to a heart defect that could not be rectified.. that was a tough service.. so raw the emotions of losing such a wee one... so loved and nurtured during his short stay here on earth... how he touched the hearts of all of us who prayed for a different blessed outcome, that sadly was not to be...

those of you who follow my blog know that in June, I lost who I considered to be the matriarch of my family, my beloved Rita... who stayed with us and kept us hopeful for 5 weeks following her stroke... so extremely blessed were we to have the time we did with her before she peacefully drew her last breath and moved onwards across the horizon, leaving us shattered and alone... I still feel so blessed that she allowed me to be with her when she made her journey home, and that still brings me great peace that she drifted off so easily... it was my miracle to witness...

then, just 6 weeks ago, the news that a friend had passed after a tragic motorcycle accident jarred my reality as to the uncertainty of time we are allotted in this place... waiting for updates and eventually traveling to be with others to celebrate this young mans incredible spirit... tears, laughter, photos and fellowship rounded out a fitting tribute to someone who touched many...

and then again two weeks ago, the unexpected news that one of our team had passed suddenly overnight... complications of surgery undertaken in the weeks prior... the shock was palpable, she was an amazing Lady.. full of life and love for her friends and especially her beloved family... a true Angel here on earth, who worked with numerous community organizations, opened her arms and heart to whomever needed a lift, who was sooo in love with her husband of just 5 short years, her children and grandchildren who she adored more than life itself... if you wanted to see Linda glow, mention her family....

so here I find myself, on the other side of all of this loss and I am myself lost... I read back the words I have written about my life and how at it's end "it will not have been one moment longer or shorter than was precisely planned for my journey..." and I am no longer quite as sure... I understand that we are all headed in the same direction and that no one or no thing will stand forever, but this onslaught of "leaving" has jarred me a bit. These past months have seen more loss than the entire previous decade... I can say that my faith is intact, I am just lost within the questions of why, and when... how and when is my time... will it be peaceful, will we have the time to say our words to each other... why do the good ones get taken so soon...

I hold fast to the knowledge that I am loved, and that I Love.. my existence is filled with an array of amazing persons whom I adore... I understand more clearly that to love them and cherish them, adds colour and texture and depth to my world, and that it will also in time add sadness and grief as we inevitably lose one another... all part of the same painting, all plants in the same garden of life... for to love someone today, must include that they were brought into life to live their seasons, to flourish and then decline and fade away... just as summer roses or spring tulips burst forth into life, blossom and grow, and then fade at seasons end, so to will we fade at our seasons end...

so I guess I am "at a loss" as to how to catch my heart up to my head... time I know will smooth the emotions into memories and smiles of all who have gone on ahead... time will take the edges off of the grief and fill the garden with life anew... I guess time will walk my path with me... and time will allow me to say the words I need to say, will allow me to hold and touch, cherish and support.. and Love...



original post can be found here @ Current Ripple

2 comments:

Healing Morning said...

I have had years similar to the one you just described. There is no true understanding for it, no answers to the endless "Why?" moments. I've often said that those of us who remain here on this earth school after losing loved ones are challenged to learn how to continue without their physical presence, and it is a life sentence. With luck, we accept that challenge and find a way to move forward with grace. It's a path that is hard traveled, and a battle equally hard fought.

I don't have words of solace that you haven't heard before. I have been in that space of wondering how to react that you're feeling right now. Confusion, pain, sadness, numbness. Continuing to walk forward through it is sometimes all you can do, and eventually it all begins to ease, even if it never makes sense. At the very least, you are feeling the emotions rather than running from them, writing about them here rather than self-medicating in some self-harmful manner. That in itself is a triumph.

Be well.

- Dawn

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