Thursday, May 13, 2010

my night of the sarcophagus

I began a letter to a friend...

"This is where I like to sit. The exact spot where I go and let it all come to me. I am alone with my thoughts and I feel for that moment...and realize that not everything needs to occupy my time....where the world doesn't need to model for me. Where I explore the abstract corners and wonder why people fear the questions...and are so afraid of being original. Not all are, of course..It is in the fear of failing people fail...and because of that perfection mentality people never become no more than average...fitting themselves into little compartments of acceptability.

This is not a lonely place to be...no, there is a universe of thought, of imagination that has come from this bench. A place of wonder and delight where I look at all of the pieces around and wonder what else I can see. It is the very fear of only being allowed to say certain things, be a certain way, believe in a certain set of values....that has killed the course of imagination in our world....because people believe there is nothing left to imagine...all of the ideas are bought....and in the end all of the wallpaper in the world does not produce a thing."

and I continued...

"What we give power to in our lives tells us where our hearts lay....and we raise or lower ourselves in accordance to the heart. And if that heart is sacrificed to having and acquiring things that are against what our hearts want...we are already dead and have come soulless beings that populate this earth. Reality is how we design it for ourselves. We create our lives, and if we choose not to...someone else will create it for us because we have then surrendered our ability to live."
I am not afraid of what I will say, I know what I must tell them, and most importantly, I know how to tell them.
I have had students that showed me how...and the demonstrations of not having to be perfect and allowing them to be human...within three weeks showed them miracles that resulted in tears. The shock on their faces when I told them I did not want perfection...collapsed their stress and
fear...

and revealed to them what could happen in other areas of their lives.

If you fall down, you must rise....If you fear failure, you have failed already.

Failure is an option, the best one...and now I realize why I chose to fail intentionally at certain points...I couldn't be afraid of it...

I had all high marks one term in high school...and I looked back and realized I never failed anything...and I did not know what pushed me to the thought, but I needed to fail something...and hold on to it. I picked an area I excelled it...for the next term. I went to the instructor at the beginning of the course...and I told her I need to have the experience of failure...I advised her I would not attend a single class, take a single test...I would not participate in any way...I would, in short, not show up. I told her not to drop me from the course. I needed the F. I needed that mark more than an A. It is the only F I ever received. It was my crowning achievement. I could stare at that F along with all of my As on that term and realize it was the perfect term. I had to accept the fullness of life.

Art, drawing, painting, sculpting were things I always wanted to do...Music...as well. I failed because I didn't understand that I would have had to allow myself the freedom to fail...I could sing, dance, perform, speak, write, and record....I could have been a scientist...anything of concrete nature...the perfections I saw with that kind of mind....skilled hands with dissections...biology, human anatomy...so many things I was able to do...and I wanted all of it and I wanted more. I wanted multiple lives and experiences the full expanse of each and every experience of what it meant to be human, taste here and do that...and the freedom to have a rich life.

So many adventures...experiences...and I viewed my life as having this need to do absolutely everything...I learned so much about people, and since I was never afraid where ever I went, only viewing it as another mile marker along the way...no permanence...because I saw the stream.

The range of insanity is only defined by a society...for once killing was acceptable in countries throughout the world...genocides of peoples that all nations have participated in to create room for their own. We act like viruses to each other to preserve and protect...and it betters no one.

If people think I am crazy, I would ask a careful study of one's own reflection and state simply this...you are afraid of yourself more than anyone else. You are afraid of the light and darkness that lies beneath the surface. You are afraid to find out what you are capable of. Because you are afraid of the very unknown in your own being, you will never know yourself. You will never become anything."
Pictured above is a miracle. I realized the miracle of allowing my students to fail, to imagine, to create. I was told it was impossible by everyone. "They can't do it. They don't possess that kind of ability. They can't write, they can't...they can't..."

They can. They did...and I bound them all together into a book and I sent their visions into the world. From a place where everyone told me no one can imagine because everyone has to be perfect. Information for a city that has been destroyed economically ranked as one of the worst cities in the states. The friend I wrote has been my place of solitude for years. It was often just with an open ear and heart we gave each other the freedom to fall down without judgement or criticism. I appreciate this friend for at times just in our communication it reveals truths within myself I had not seen. To have that night in the sarcophagus and face the totality of my being...to reveal the path I have to walk along the way.
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About Marilyn

5 comments:

YogaSavy said...

I would love to be one of your students! You have a way with words that is beautiful and moving. Enjoy your posts and look forward to them

Timberwolf123 said...

Really enjoyed this one Marilyn!! Fear is a tough thing for many to overcome. I wish we could all realize that almost all fear is self created, especially the fear of the unknown, we pull up our past to prove the future & that never works. Release the fear & live life to the fullest!! Discover the joy in every moment!! Enjoy the time you have because you never know for sure when this life will end.

Hugs,

Bill

Marilyn said...

Thank you Bill and YS (I would like to be one of your students as well...doing Yoga alone in China is a bit tough!).

The brief story behind this was a project...on what you would recommend to the Mayor to change things...what ideas could you come up with to help in what has been labeled as 'impossible'. The other criteria was to look at what exists. Everything was on the table...real stats as far as the impact, they were not happy when they looked at the data...

What if you threw out the numbers? What could you do without money? What could you bring to the table? What can you do if you have nothing to lose?

The yellow book pictured underneath was a compilation of their ideas. No, not in perfect English, but perfection was not the goal. The goal was to excite their imaginations. What can be done if you don't let it all get in the way?

That will be up the the city...but the point was, you can't be afraid to do something, to speak, to challenge the way things are. The creativity that was unleashed was incredible. All of a sudden you have a book of solutions, proposals...and a lot of potential...

They are going to have impact where ever they go in life.

marcime said...

Marilyn - your words quietly, soundly resonate within me, I will read it again.
M.

Marilyn said...

There was a moment of synchronicity yesterday - I had written all of this and saw the status of Paulo Coelho, a writer whom I have venerated, who often writes about the way of the bow. I haven't read his popular fiction...but was more intrigued with his little collections of stories from his travels. A kindred spirit since I have traveled my entire life...living amongst peoples of different cultures. I saw his status yesterday, and it made me realize how there has to be something out there that is trying to get the world to listen and it is using every node available. We realize as writers, we really never own words. They are designed to be used and to carry power. Humans need repetition because we forget. Our short term memory needs repetition for it to be incorporated into our memory...but memory is not learning, not knowledge and it is not wisdom.

So I see many messages that our being echoed through the world because we are also creatures of feeling. There is no first, no last...there is the infinite loop of thought.

I am a woman who just simply says this works...for me perhaps it might work for you...and it may not work for all...but the reality is we...this world...this place with billions...have our own individual paths. They much be devoid of religion. They must find their true nature within...the reflection.

That is the only way...and why all religions say there is only one way...because you have your own journey...and there are billion of ways. Each one unique.