Thursday, March 25, 2010

Waking Beauty

Today I feel a pang of emptiness and the world seems grey. This is part and parcel of the Motherhood experience, right?
Awake all night even before the Rooster?
Viewing the world through foggy lenses and a muddled head is what a Mother expects to experience but dreads with all her might.
I am starting to wonder if I might feel a little better accepting this rather than fighting it.
Today my vision is clouded following a wakeful night with my son. He has taken to clinging to me like an orangutan in the night hours.
If I try to deliver him back to his cot he tightens his grip and burrows his monkey-head into my shoulder pleading with me not to leave him.
I cannot find the strength to leave him alone screaming in his cot, so  I lie awake as he drapes across my body and sleeps – scared to move a muscle.
It reminds me of the years before baby when I used to have a cat that draped luxuriously across my double bed while I scrunched in a corner.
Your comfort comes first, your Majesty
There is no doubt about it, being tired is hard.
When tired the world looks different. Patience is tested,  reactions exaggerated, the drama of small things magnified.
“You need to get sleep in order to be a better mother”
Ideally, yes!
But this is like the mirage in the dessert. I think Motherhood is easier if we stop running so hard to reach the imaginary puddle of water...
Rest of story here 

1 comment:

Aine Butler-Smith said...

Hang in there Sharni, I know it's rough (one of my daughters is going through a similar patch with her young one) but 'this too shall pass', and boy does it go quickly.
These years fly by awfully fast, if you can accept and even appreciate the moment in calm (I know difficult when sleep deprived) it does make a difference in the energy of the moment.