An ephemeral equation

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We're approaching the end of 2011 and I've taken time to glance back through my blog archives for the year.  Compared to the previous two years, 2011 was a slower pace of blog writing for me.  The year itself was quite full of challenges on myriad levels, and that's where my focus and energy went.  While I've never been one to embrace the concept of blogging daily, I do prefer to write more often than I ended up accomplishing this year. 

This post isn't about typical New Year Resolutions.  I've shared my thoughts on that topic many times since I began blogging (Just Say No!, Healing Morning 12/27/2010), so I won't revisit here. 

What I want to concentrate on is recent events.  I mentioned in my last post that life has improved slightly for me.  As a freelance writer, I live a constant roller coaster ride with keeping work in the pipeline, keeping my name in constant circulation with networking groups and attending as many of those networking functions as I can.  With that much activity happening on a monthly basis, you would think that work would be flowing with no problem.  I would think that too, but it wasn't the case for the year of 2011.  I have been through difficult, challenging times before, but I can truthfully say that 2011 rates right up at the top of the list of tough times experienced.

Why am I talking about this?  Because somehow, in the midst of a truly scary time where I couldn't imagine things improving, they did.  This is a quote from my last post:

"I have also just recently weathered some rather trying times where I wasn't sure how I would get from one day to the next.  The darkness that accompanied those challenges was quite intense and looking back, I have no idea how I managed to maintain even a wee shred of optimism and belief that good experiences were in my personal pipeline.  Somehow, though, deep within me, I did hold onto that small flame of belief.  That small flame of pure love, of pure healing, of pure manifestation....it all rested deep within me, despite the trying times."  With a Bright Spirit, Healing Morning 11/30/2011

I've been pondering this for the last several weeks, and even spoke of the whole experience with several friends.  What strikes my immediate consciousness so strongly is this:  somehow, despite all the fears, all the weariness, all the sense of self-defeat and borderline hopelessness, something within me stubbornly refused to give up.  Somehow, some small spark of Life continued to fight the battle mentioned above and I presented enough belief to manifest a new contract.  Let me stress that the environment of this new contract is as close to ideal as I can imagine.  No small wonder, that, as I did sit down and write out those particulars more than once during 2011.  What I speak of is sometimes called Life Mapping, where we write out our wishes and dreams for a specific purpose, then release the request with all its attendant specific details to God/Universe/Spirit. 

I've done that many times in my life, and I admit that there was usually a healthy dose of doubt in the practice.  This is rather amusing, considering that I believe in the concept for others wholeheartedly.  It was for myself that I held back, that I entertained doubts and allowed niggling voices of insidious poison to creep in.  That being said, I reference the above quote from my previous blog post and share the fact that something within me did persevere and refuse to completely give up.

Speaking with a dear friend on the phone during the week leading up to Christmas 2011, I talked about this realization and said,"Knowing that I was able to manifest such a wonderful result with this new work contract in the midst of such doubt, imagine what I can manifest NOW, as I am in a state of new awareness and absolute belief!"

That's magical and very powerful, that realization.  Universal Law, for those of you who embrace the concept, dictates focusing on those good, positive feelings.  Study the emotions and memorize how it feels to be in a space of abundance and happiness, so that you can replicate that feeling again and again. 

This is challenging for many of us, staying in that positive emotion, and I am no different.  My childhood mantra regarding finances is one that has programmed a negative energy for most of my adult life.  This is where I am focusing daily energy to shift that pattern and change the programming.  I am focusing on how I feel each day of this new work contract.  I am minutely dissecting how it feels to be happy, to have money flowing into my daily existence, to know that security is being established.  I am doing this so that I can amplify these emotions and project them outward so that this energy continues in a looping manner, bringing more of the same to my life on a regular and continuing basis.  The challenge of this mindset is that it is an ephemeral equation.  Belief is at its core, and happiness and positive emotions are the fuel. It is not a tangible thing at first.  Tangible results DO occur, but the belief and positive emotions must exist first.

At a holiday party, the question was asked of us to talk about not a resolution for 2012, but of something we wanted to embrace for ourselves on a purely personal level.  My thought was part of what prompted this very blog post, as I said that I had been thinking of how we behave as children.  If any child is loved, they have an inalienable sense of entitlement in the purest manner.  They simply believe that good things will happen and they believe that they deserve those good and delightful things.  If there is one thing I can say with absolute certainty, it is that I am loved in this life.  By friends and family, my life is richly blessed with love.  Somewhere along the way, however, I lost some of that childlike sense of entitlement to receive good and positive blessings.  Please note that I use the word "entitlement" in a positive manner, as it can carry negative connotations.  What I am speaking of is that manner children have of believing in magic.  I write about it quite often and I still carry a firm belief that magic exists, but I was also putting up roadblocks to receive good and positive blessings for myself.  I am in the process of recapturing the sense of how that feels....that sense of entitlement in the purest, most innocent and faithful manner.  Faith and belief are key words here.

So, if there is anything even remotely approaching a New Year's Resolution for me in 2012, it is to continue to give daily thought to amplifying and projecting my current level of success so that it can continue and increase in ways I have yet to imagine.  I remind myself of my comment above to my girlfriend that so much more is possible.  Limits are things we impose on ourselves out of fear.  That much I know to be true, and it's something that I've excelled at over a lifetime...getting in my own way.  I choose, now, to excel at getting OUT of my own way and existing in abundance.  I know it is possible.  I am living the result of my own wee kernel of belief that refused to be extinguished during the travails of 2011.  I believe that that wee kernel of belief, that tiny flame that flickered valiantly in the midst of a great big boatload of darkness can be stoked.  As I write this, in my mind's eye that tiny flame is growing into a nice, healthy bonfire.  It warms my hands and face as the flames rise.  Rather than being a destructive force, this is the kind of flame that does not consume in a negative manner.  Or perhaps it does....perhaps the consuming is of those negative thoughts. 

Whatever the case, it is clear to me that I can build this fire.  I can increase my own prosperity.  I can embrace the belief that I deserve success in multiple areas of my life.  I can release my death grip on doubt and fear. 

Many years ago, I was given a writing assignment to come up with a definitive sentence to describe what I wanted out of my immediate experience.  This was the sentence that I came up with:

"I want to be like the fluffy seeds of the dandelion puff.....releasing from ties that bind me to a single existence to ride the winds of Life and be unafraid of where those winds will take me."

 I find that sentence, that statement of intent to be a good one for the New Year of 2012.  To all of you who continue to visit me here at Healing Morning and offer so many beautiful comments on what you find here, I wish you a beautiful New Year full of blessings.
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If you enjoyed this post and would like to read more, you can find me at Healing Morning blog.

Birthday Realizations

I turned 30 last Monday. While I used to wonder why people felt shy about announcing their age, I think I'm beginning to understand. As I approached this milestone last week, I began to feel more like I was marching to the grave than I ever have before. It wasn't necessarily scary, but it made me re-evaluate all of the expectations I had held of myself. Like, "When I'm 30, I will have accomplished xyz. My life will be settled and I will be a boring adult." For better or worse, I haven't quite managed to achieve most of that.

This summer my aunt said to me, "You're almost 30. You should know how to clean a shower curtain." Funnily enough, I missed that lesson in the manual of life.

Most days, I still feel like an ignorant kid. But when I was younger, I had more confidence. I was sure I'd amount to something great, like a famous politician. But once college came around, so did the questioning of many systems, including the political and legal ones, as well as society, ideology, gender... In short, I became confused. Which I have remained to this day.

If that means I still don't know how to clean a shower curtain, then so be it. I'm busy living my life the best way I know how. And only I can live it!

Re-posted from BeckyBlab.