4 years in India, 2 years of Shambhavi, 1 wandering woman

This September I’m commemorating the fourth anniversary of living in India. I don’t say celebrating, because it is a bittersweet landmark. Four years of intense soul-searching and questioning of life’s very fundamentals.

I can say with more confidence that I am celebrating my two year anniversary of attending the Inner Engineering program and being initiated into Shambhavi Maha Mudra, which has catapulted me on yet another journey–this time a never-ending inner one, facilitated by this and my other Isha Yoga practices. I can also saw with certainty that had it not been for this initiation, I would not have made it this long in India! Below, you can read more about this rocky journey…

“I don’t want to go,” I said as we were on the plane to India in July 2005. That was the first of many trips. But alas, there has been no turning back.

As I awoke this morning, the same nagging “I don’t want to be here” tormented me. I have a very strong escapist urge: to go back to the comfort and convenience of the West, where I’ve been for a mere two months.

It’s baffling to me how, before I left in July, my attitude was so different. I was as settled as I ever have been here. My mom says it’s human nature to adjust; people even got used to living in concentration camps. The parallel, though controversial, is somewhat appropriate. I’m both victim and agressor.

I spoke to Savira, a fellow blogger and yogini from Living Laughing Breathing, who is also re-adjusting to life in India. She aptly said that there’s a battle waging within me between the part of me that wants to be here and that which doesn’t. I’m not sure the two sides can ever be reconciled! This culture shock has taken me completely by surprise–I would’ve thought I was beyond it by now and nothing about India could phase me.

But it seems I’ve gone soft, lost my defences. The smells, the noises, the fear and utter disgust all bombard me like I’m back to square one. How can I actually be choosing this life over other, more sheltered, more straightforward ones? Even I’m baffled and can’t provide a rational answer.

Maybe my life should go back to normal, whatever that means. Maybe I should settle down and stop seeking more. Maybe I should start having clear goals. Maybe I should know what I want out of life and have a clear plan of how to get it. But I don’t know. Is that such a crime?!

This article is also published on my blog. Hope you join me there...

Gender stereotypes: do you subscribe to them or challenge them?

A couple of weeks ago, a blogger friend tagged me for a Not So (Wo)Manly challenge.

The original tagger called this "Sinners Against Gender Stereotypes" and explained it, thus:

Please list at least ten things you have ever wanted or done which your gender is not supposed to.

The tag is called ‘My Sins against Gender-Stereotypes’. And you must tag twelve blogging friends or else you will be cursed to wear blue pants if you are a woman and pink shirts if you are a man – for next twelve years.

I'll point out two things at the outset:

I'm not a big fan of the word "sin." And using it in this context is a little offputting to me, since the lifestyle I've chosen and the individual I am is not a result of my sins against anything. It's just who I am.

I won't tag 12 blogging friends, but I invite you -- man or woman -- to share your experiences/anecdotes of ways in which you've charted a path for yourself that's against conventional ideologies of what men and women should ascribe to.

Also, bear in mind that I am, in now way, saying I’m better than other members of my gender who subscribe to the stereotypes that abound. I’m just sharing with you who I am. Take it or leave it.

That said, here are some stories from my life that expound on this topic:

1. I never played "house." While many four-year old girls around me brought out their utensil sets pretending to have tea parties and elaborate dinners, I sought to play doctor or lawyer or mechanic. Ladles and saucepans bored me. So did dolls. I was more intrigued by board games and building blocks.

2. I'm competitive. To a fault. Most women I know give in when it comes to their loved ones. Not me. Stubborn as a mule, I will not let up on my position even for my mom. (Sometimes, especially if it's my mom.) I like to win and I don't believe in conceding for "the greater good." If you don't have the chops to play fair and play hard, then don't play with me. Also, don't be a crybaby when you've lost.

3. I like speed. If I were in India, I'd say speeding, too. I wasn't ever reckless, but enjoyed the thrill that comes with weaving in and out of traffic and pushing one's vehicle to the limit. It's such a great adrenalin rush. Don't think I'll ever drive again in India (and yes I conform to the laws here even at 2 a.m.), but I do want to drive down the Autobahn once before it gets regulated.

4. I don't fancy malls. Almost every woman I have known loves spending time in the malls or doing window shopping in "boutiquey" towns. I can't stand it. And I don't understand it. Why would you want to tire yourself walking for endless hours inside an air-conditioned enclosed structure when you could be out there taking in beautiful views hiking up a mountain? Retail therapy is lost on me completely. Read my confessions of the "non-feminine" kind here.

5. I talk straight. I won't say "you know...the male part..." coyly. It's a penis. And it's fine to say that word. So, is saying breasts or clitoris or vagina. They're all body parts. Get over it already!

6. I do not know my fabrics (organza, cotton, chiffon, polyester – they’re all the same to me). I also do not know my castes, religions, or religious observances. And I certainly do not fast unless ordered by a doctor.

7. I won't allow you to shut me up in the name of our culture. I have a voice and a distinct identity ... just because you think I am supposed to be a demure, shy, spoke-only-when-you're-spoken-to domestic servant, doesn't mean you're going to get that from me. I am all for respecting our elders, but don't expect to use your age as a way to dictate to me who I should be. You'll be disappointed.

8. I don’t like manicures, pedicures, facials, or waxing. I get the last one done only because I am borderline hirsute (at least I think that) and the monthly ritual makes me feel clean.

9. I will not use my womanly charm to get anything done or receive favors. I rely on my intellect, sharp wit and occasional humor. Also, I’m a big fan of earnest hard work and equality.

10. I believe in myself. I don’t need a male figure to tell me how good I am. I already know.

I could go on and on, but it’s time I pass the mic.

What do you have to share?

P.S. This post can also be found on my blog and at Desicritics -- hop on over to see the comments there. Also, if you're so inclined, there is a Facebook group dedicated to Sinners Against Gender Stereotypes.

Milestones: Three years in the pink city

Not all of Jaipur looks like this...

Recently, I keep starting out my posts with numbers. Perhaps it helps me to establish the landmarks, to measure my success on this uncharted path. For me, these three years are the longest ever time that I've been settled in one place since I graduated from high school in 1999. I'm discounting the four years of college because I moved a lot from year to year.

True, I haven't been in Jaipur for three years straight, either. I have left for at least 2 months every year to visit family, and last year I was hardly home since I spent almost half the time at the ashram or travelling. It's probably the only way I could've survived.

Nonetheless, three years with my stuff in the same apartment, with or without me. Three years of having Jaipur as home base, ready for me when I return. Three years of pigeons as my closest neighbors.

It was in April 2007 that we came here. I want to be able to say something very insightful about my experience here, a neatly packaged byte of wisdom. But in my stupor of disbelief that I've made it here this long, I'm struggling to make much out of it.

Actually, perhaps the real motivating force behind writing this post, behind even the realization itself that I have been here for that long, is that we are most probably leaving Jaipur. I hesitate to give more details because that deserves its own post. But the impending departure certainly has made me recognize how settled I've become here, and dare I say it? Attached.

To be honest, I can't think of things off the top of my head that I particularly like about this place, but to do Jaipur some justice, I will put some effort in and make a list:

1. Central Park
2. seeing Nahargarh Fort from my window

Ok, the list idea is pointless. It's sounding horribly negative, which has nothing to do with Jaipur in itself--it's more to do with my own perspective and judgements.

While now I can say that I'm in a positive frame of mind, much of my time here has not been spent in that way. Furthermore, I can say that I've come to terms with my previous negativity, and have reached more of a state of acceptance of life, of being here, all the pros and cons included. It's been a sacrifice, but has held certain advantages. They've pretty much cancelled each other out.

Pros include low cost of living, nice apartment, being close to in-laws, being close to Delhi. Cons: difficulty in going out (weather & logistics combined), weather, lack of social circle, weather, being close to in-laws, weather...

Dear Jaipur, you're too hot and I can't think properly. You've made life difficult for me, but I forgive you.

Nahargarh Fort, which I can see from my window

(also posted on my blog, BeckyBlab)