Live YOUR Life

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A couple days ago, I experienced a very unpleasant situation online, on Facebook. It was in a peripheral manner but still disturbing. In a nutshell, I had clicked to Like/Follow a new page that is quite successful for a specific product that I use. The owner of the page appears to be quite successful, with thousands of followers. I thought, "Okay, why not? A lot of people I know follow him."


Less than an hour later, one of his posts hit my wall. It contained what can only be described as a poisonous diatribe...a vicious, supercilious, holier-than-thou attack on someone who had interacted with this man on some earlier thread on his Facebook wall. I am not going to disclose the Facebook page or names of anyone involved. The personal attack this person perpetrated was long, involved, ugly and full of a confusing, garbled message that after reading, left me wondering what had riled him up so badly. He took pains to post what had been a fairly innocuous conversation and proceeded to ridicule, lambast and accuse this other person of outright heinous behavior. What I saw from my end was a woman who had written a thoughtful, fair minded and relatively mild comment that didn't agree 100% with this man's perspective.

In response to his attack and his blatant act of putting her on Facebook blast to his readers, she took the High Road and apologized in a sincere manner. She addressed his points, stood her ground in a polite manner, but also took pains to express that if any insult was given, that wasn't her intention. His reaction was to write what I would describe as an Epic reply....we're talking paragraph after paragraph (more than 15 paragraphs, in fact - I stopped counting and reading at 15) of ranting, snide remarks and insulting, ugly comments about this woman's intelligence. It was simply disturbing. I went so far as to write a short comment in the thread that I found nothing incendiary about the statement that caused the whole ruckus, but then I bowed out.

What is my point? Well, if I can say anything about this whole mess, it is that I often wonder why so many people insist on living someone else's life for them. That is exactly what this guy was doing. By attempting to bludgeon someone else into bowing down to you just to keep the peace, by reacting in outrage and an attacking manner to force that other person to adopt your opinion, all you are doing is trying to step right into that person's life and take over. News Flash to those of us who behave in that manner....YOU DO NOT BELONG THERE!! Step back into your own body, your own life and your own arena.

My Grandmother Reagan was quite fond of telling all of us grandkids (there are 27 of us) when we were small and falling victim to the need to exhibit anywhere near that type of behavior, "Stay on your own back porch and tend your own backyard. That will keep you PLENTY busy!" Sage words, my friends.

What joy could it possibly bring another human being to behave in such a churlish, vindictive, antagonistic and public manner towards someone they've never met face to face??? It is beyond my ability to comprehend, but it was quite clear in that thread that this guy was LOVING what he was doing. Thankfully, one of my friends had recently posted on his wall the way to UnLike a page on Facebook, and I wasted no time zipping over to his wall to find that thread, copy the directions and delete that man's Fan Page from my wall. I do not ever want that level of toxic energy around me.

There was a bright side to the whole drama. I sent a private message to the lady that was the victim of this scenario, offering my own opinion and support. She wrote back and we struck up what appears to be the beginning of a very nice friendship. File this under the category of one of my older, archived posts, "It's 'Funny' How". Sometimes wonderful things result from the strangest, most unlikely, occasionally unpleasant circumstances. Happily, this was such a moment, and I look forward to getting to know this new friend better in the coming days.

Am I saying that we should never offer our own opinions about anything? That we should stand meekly and mutely by as a friend, or even a complete stranger walks directly into the path of an oncoming bus (literally or figuratively)? Absolutely not. I am not saying either of those things. There's a handy word to apply here and it is 'prudence'. If you read Healing Morning blog often, then you already know I'm a fan of the dictionary, so here's what Webster has to tell us about prudence:

Prudence
Noun
1. The ability to govern and discipline oneself by the use of reason (http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/prudence)

I think we all can agree that there is no way on Earth that someone can exercise prudence when they're occupied with the egotistical tantrum this man was throwing out on his Facebook wall. I cannot speak for him or what wound him up to such an irrational level. Clearly, there were emotional triggers that were tripped for him and he just dove right into the thick of it, wallowing around, pulling it close like a favorite teddy bear, enjoying the whole drama of it all. To my way of thinking, this did nothing to serve him well. It shined a very harsh light on him and actually made him look and sound petty, vengeful and childish. My newfound friend, however, stepped firmly into loving, forgiving and conciliatory energy, forgave, apologized and then walked away.

It is human nature to want to slap back at someone when they attack us. This situation went beyond anything as simple as an attack and slipped over the edge into character assassination. Nothing good can result from that type of dark, ugly energy. I predict that this person [perpetrating the attack] more than likely lives in a constant state of turmoil, has endless disappointments and often wonders why nothing ever goes his way. If he could step outside of himself for a wee span of time and watch his behavior from this whole episode, he might truly be appalled at the negative energy he was spewing. He might, just maybe, recognize that he is creating his own reality...and a grandly negative one at that.

I don't know his history or what has made him such an unhappy person inside that he has to resort to publicly tearing another person down to derive some sense of self. It is saddening to me, to be honest, that this man walks such a negative path. Granted, this was a small, isolated window into his world, so perhaps I am painting him with an unfair and broad brush. I have found, however, that that type of aggressive, angry energy blasted in such a public manner tends to indicate ingrained, habitual behavior. I can only wish peace towards him and remove myself, which I have done.

It generally comes from a vast sense of dissatisfaction that someone is motivated to thrust themselves so forcefully into another person's life in this way. If you're happy with yourself, content with your beliefs and perspective, you will have little to no need to force anyone to believe, think or feel as you do. That's because you're tending your own yard, staying on your own back porch and living your own life. It sounds so simple, right? For some of us, it is. For many of us, it comes easy. For many, it is hard fought and hard won, this realization that living your own life is the quickest and surest way to happiness. It is when we stray from our own path and start meddling with others, telling them how to live, that we come to grief and cause some truly unnecessary, hurtful situations.

I know the road I choose to take. Yes, I stepped briefly into this whole scenario in an effort to soothe troubled waters. I'm a peacekeeper by nature, but not to such a degree that I will charge militantly into someone else's space and forcefully inflict my opinions. When it was clear that nothing could mitigate the situation at hand, I, too, walked away. But I wasn't alone....I had a new friend walking with me. So, again, it really is 'funny how' Life throws us these unexpected moments of startling beauty in the midst of a tangled mess!

Accountability is another good word to partner up with practising restraint, respect and prudence. I agree with my beloved Granny Reagan that staying in my own backyard and living my own life keeps me plenty busy on any given day. I find that I resonate and enjoy spending time with other wonderful people who embrace this concept, because in general, they are happy Souls. Certainly, we all have bad days where we slip up, but I find that I can detect that bright light shining from within that other person when they are tending their backyard, keeping their porch clean and neat and authentically living their own lives.

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http://www.coolfreeimages.net/

The harmony of someone who is emotionally well balanced is obvious and joyous to be around. It's a daily choice...sometimes a moment by moment one...but as I said earlier, I know which road I want to be on. And I know the type of people with whom I prefer to interact. My own Light recognizes you all, you know.

Your Light is a beacon and you make a difference in this world when you step forward in Conscious Thought, Conscious Love and the decision to Live YOUR Life.

Namaste.
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If you enjoyed this post and would like to read more, you can find me at Healing Morning blog.

Double Century

It's a big achievement or a miniscule one depending on the way you look at it.

This is my 200th post.

200 days of pouring my heart out, debating, questioning, musing, and venting.

200 days of support from all you readers who make this enterprise so much fun.

I started writing on a daily basis because I didn't want my writing skills to rust.

I, also, wanted a forum from where I could express my opinions without any marketing or educational agenda attached to it -- that's what I do 9-5 every day.

With your help I have been able to rediscover my voice, remain honest in my writings, and renew my faith in the concept of the public square.

It isn't easy to write every day -- to think of something meaningful to share with a wide variety of readers from different countries, backgrounds, ethnicities, age groups, and cultural beliefs. Being a writer by profession makes it a tad easier, but nevertheless it can be daunting sometimes to wake up in the mornings and have my mind go blank.

No inspiring thoughts, no raging debates in my head, no points of contention to be made. During the course of the day, though, I've found that someone says something or I observe/read something that triggers a train of thoughts -- some "normal" life event that helps keep the momentum going.

And before I know it, I find myself typing furiously. It is for that reason, that I think reaching this milestone is a big achievement.

On the other hand, there are so many bloggers out there who have five-six years' worth of rich content, thoughtfully presented in little daily doses of inspiring prose ... in front of them, this is but a minor accomplishment.

Big or small, it has been a fruitful enterprise.

In the course of my blogging I have discovered many thinkers -- some of whom I agree with, others that challenge my belief system.

It has, indeed, been a pleasure making the acquaintance of my readers, many of whom are bloggers like me, and others who stop by to share their insights when they get a chance.

All of you have enriched my life in a way that I hadn't thought of when committing myself to this blog.

When I reached the century mark a couple of months ago, I instituted the Photoblogger of the Month award that was embraced with open arms by all of you.

To commemorate this milestone, I will introduce "Mansi asks:" a bi-monthly series that will present a probing question.

When I was on Facebook, I used to ask a question daily -- sometimes intentionally provocative, other times innocently so. Not all the questions were deeply philosophical -- some were just for fun.

The one thing they all had in common was that they invited engagement.

Even if I asked something as inconsequential as "What did you have for breakfast?" I'd have people volunteering information about muffins, parathas, toasts, and multigrain cereal.

I chose not to respond to any of the questions I asked, unless someone specifically called me out for an opinion.

Now, it's time to change that.

I will dive in head first and postulate but what will make this series effective is your participation.

So, look out for the "Mansi asks:" series and be sure to chime in.

In the meantime, here's to big and little things that make one happy.

Unrequited Love

I spent the day with Jesse today. He is such a wonderful man. I feel quite lucky to have found him in my life. It never fails when we are together, he always wants to hold my hand, tell me how lovely I am and that he wishes he could marry someone just like me. He always adds he knows I am married and would never want to disrespect my husband however, I am pretty sure he is flirting with me. It’s the way he looks at me, laughs at all my jokes and wants to walk arm in arm everywhere we go. Then there are the things he says to me.


“You are one of the nicest women I have ever met.”


“Thank you, Jesse!”


“I really mean it. I so enjoy spending the day with you. You always make me feel like I really matter to you.”


“You really do matter to me, Jesse.”


“Well, I appreciate that. I’d marry you if you weren’t already married.”


“Well, Jesse, I don’t think Bob would like me marrying somebody else but thanks for thinking of me.”


“Don’t worry. I will always behave like a gentleman when we’re together. By the looks of your arms, I think you could deck me.”

“Um……thank you?”

“Besides, I’m ninety-three years old. How much trouble could I really cause you?”

“Well, Jesse, I have a funny feeling if left to your own devices, you could cause more trouble than anyone could imagine. I’m just saying….”

There May Be Snow on The Roof

But There's Still Fire in The Furnace

Celebrate with me!



Photo courtesy of
Bing images

Today, September 25, 2010 is the one year anniversary of Healing Morning blog. I checked the dates about a month ago and have been giving thought to what I would write when the specific day rolled around. This past year has opened up the world for me beyond anything I could ever have imagined or dreamed for myself, and blogging was an integral part of this process.


I am, first and foremost, a writer. I have done many different types of work in my adult life to pay the bills, but at my core, I identify myself as a writer. The process of blogging gave me a genre that celebrates writing in a very unique manner. I work as a freelance technical and creative writer, and social media management consultant, so writing is incorporated into my daily work life. Blogging straddles the two worlds of professional and personal writing for me. I manage social media and write blogs for a wide range of clientele, and I also write here at Healing Morning for purely personal satisfaction.

It is here at Healing Morning that I express my innermost thoughts, emotions, ponderings and dreams. Most writers have aspirations to become published authors, and I am no different in that regard. I am currently working on a manuscript that I have every intention of getting into published and promoted book form. Blogging has given me a worldwide audience and valuable feedback that I firmly believe makes me a stronger writer with every single article posted. Writers gain polish by doing more of the same...by simply writing, refining and writing some more.

There is equal satisfaction in growing readership and meeting fellow writers/bloggers from all over the world. I have developed incredibly strong, beautiful friendships with many bloggers here in the United States and across the world in myriad countries. The friendships blossom in the most lovely way as we all exchange stories, read one anothers' writing, post comments and genuinely appreciate the interaction that blogging gives us.

I have learned even more to trust my own instincts, and as a result, fairly early on in my blogging experience, I co-founded Authentic Blogger on Facebook. Authentic Blogger is one of my proudest accomplishments, as it provides a supportive community for fellow bloggers to post their work, grow their own readership and gain more exposure in the blog-o-sphere. Our group grows a bit more slowly than some blogging groups, but we like it that way - being authentic is the whole purpose and Mission Statement of the Authentic Blogging concept. Through this group, I have met more talented writers and have a rock solid relationship with my co-founder and business partner, Duane Scott. Like many other blogging friendships, this is one in particular that I am confident will be a lifelong relationship.

I hear that there are thousands of blogs started daily that become 'orphaned' in a short span of time, meaning that the people who created those blogs just abandon the effort and walk away. At this point in time, I do not see this ever happening for me with Healing Morning blog. It is an intrinsic part of who I am. The very title describes me in infinite detail. 'Healing' encompasses my very heart and love of a holistic approach to life and extending myself to others in a peaceful, loving, optimistic fashion. 'Morning' is a play on my name, Dawn.

The day that a girlfriend and I sat at a local Panera Bread and she showed me how to set up a blog shell, I never dreamed that I would be where I am today. The name, Healing Morning, came about in the most natural manner and I look back now and marvel a bit at how absolutely perfect the title remains. I will never change it. I am definitely a creature of habit, so I tend to hold on to certain things for recognition purposes on a public manner. This is vital in the world of blogging, I think, so Healing Morning will always be a strong identifying factor for who I am as a writer.

Where will this new year take me and Healing Morning? In the past year, it has introduced me to new people and experiences on a global level. I am proud to report that I am a contributing writer for Aromatique Essentials e-zine in Australia - this is the wonderful brainchild of my dear friend, Julie Nelson who is talented in all things aromatherapy related. I am also a contributing writer to the blogging website called Live and Inspire Magazine, based in Malaysia.  I am a contributing blogger on Writers Rising blog, which introduced me to even more wonderful blogging friends. Never could I have dreamed up such opportunties for my writing to span the world in this manner, and to be very well received. Any writer will tell you such experiences are deeply personally satisfying as well as just plain delightful! To know that people around the world are reading my writing and enjoying it enough to extend invitations to me to become a contributing writer for their projects is the highest compliment I can think of receiving.

Yet another completely unexpected and somewhat overwhelming opportunity that came from Healing Morning blog was my first radio interview on Starclear Radio. The focus of Starclear Radio is to shed light on all manner of spiritual experiences, and it gave me the chance to dip a toe into the larger media and publicity pool and realize this is something that I am capable of doing successfully. The interview went so well, in fact, that I was invited to return for a full hour long show in January 2011. The confidence of Starclear's co-founders, Jeffrey Seelman and Amy Lamb, in me was warming and encouraging. This again shows the incredible power that blogging and social media put into our hands. Without venturing forth into the world of blogging, I would never have crossed paths with Amy and Jeffrey. It did happen, though, and is another reason to celebrate this first year of blogging.



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Bing images

 There are endless reasons for me to sit here, smiling as I write. My world has broadened and become enriched in so many ways that I imagine my Spirit has extra facets deposited all around. I envision my own Light and writing talent to be a cross somewhere between the soft, lambent glow of a lustrous pearl and the bright, exhuberant blaze of a multi-faceted diamond. I have a calm, quiet sureness with my writing that is married to a dash of on the ceiling energy and appreciation for the occasionally absurd moments in life. I like to think that reflects in different ways in different blog articles.

I look forward to another year with Healing Morning blog. More friendships, new experiences and new triumphs await. For now, I celebrate the past year and I thank each and every person who has taken time to visit my blog page, leave kind comments and clicked to follow my work. I invite you all to celebrate with me!
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If you enjoyed this post and would like to read more, you can find me at Healing Morning blog.

365 Lessons-Lesson 266: Walk through the Pounding Rain

When the rain comes (rain being a metaphor for anything difficult) the tendency is to run for cover. Why not walk through the pounding rain? Why not walk out in the midst of it all exposed? What could happen to you? Maybe something unpredictable is in your cards; a turn of the tables, so to speak.

This morning at around 9am, my husband was eager to go walking. I looked outside at the clouds of doom and raindrops already starting to fall and all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball in my bedroom with warm, fuzzy socks on.

Instead, I threw my non-waterproof raincoat on (sin in Seattle) and headed out into the elements. In the car driving over the Ballard Bridge, the rain was coming down in sheets. This was not walking weather, yet we were on our way.

Once at the park, there was no turning back. We were hiking and that was it. The rain started to let up a little as we got to the beach. All the sudden, amongst the barnacles, broken clam shells, seaweed, and a mad circle of seagulls, I saw too little eyes peering up at me on the beach. I almost stepped on this tiny, little thing.


What was it? Could it be a baby Harbor seal? The mother had left it on the shore in search of food. The little guy looked scared. It made little squeaks at us. I knew not to touch it or move it. If the mother smells human hands on her baby, she will abandon it. I was worried, however, that the mother had forgotten where it was. It was so far up on the shore now.

A sudden break in the rain had revealed this angelic creature to my husband and me. I couldn't help but take it as a sign. Seals, as you may have read from earlier posts about my book writing adventure, have a important meaning to me.

I had to go out in the pouring rain to find this jewel. My jeans were now thoroughly soaked, but we kept walking. We were committed to the walk and no sleet, hail, lightening, thunder, or hurricane was going to stop us.

Lately, I've been a bit saddened. I haven't heard from several blogging friends who used to comment regularly on this blog. Where did they go? Are people still reading it or am I writing it just for me. Should I stop writing it? Should I put it aside? Do I have anything more to say? All these thoughts go through my head and then I remember one very important thing.

I've committed myself to this walk. Let the rains come, I'll continue on. When things get difficult or boring or monotonous or I feel like I'm at the end of my rope and I'd rather turn back, go inside and hide under the covers, that's the time to continue I've learned.

The seal was a hidden jewel in the rain today. Something I wouldn't have seen if I decided to stay indoors. When we least expect it we will find that everything we were hoping for is already there, waiting for us in the pouring rain.

Also on my blog Lessons from the Monk I Married.

What do you believe?

Recently I was interviewed by a high school student for a class assignment. His topic was Religion: Creed, Community, Calling and he asked me a lot of questions pertaining to my upbringing, my exposure to religion, my parent's views, and my own beliefs.

In telling him how I've come to an agnostic standpoint, I realized a lot of things about my own belief system ... how it developed over time and why I don't feel guilty anymore about not

being religious.

My parents weren't as devout as, say, my grandparents.

We visited a temple once a week or once every two weeks (there wasn't any set day or commitment), mom chanted the Hanuman Chalisa (a specific prayer for the monkey god) every morning after showering (a practice she started when I was severely sick as a four-year-old and which she continues to this day), dad didn't eat egg or chicken on Tuesdays (it's a common custom for those who worship Hanuman), and we would do puja on Diwali (the biggest and most important Hindu celebration).

Aside from these things, I didn't see my parents fasting for every other god (with hundreds of thousands of gods to worship, they'd never be eating anything!), nor did I see them travel to specific places in India just to visit temples (as a lot of their peers did).

I knew I was a Hindu and that Muslims and Christians went to their own temples. They revered a different god and celebrated different festivals -- but that didn't stop me from sharing lunch with them.

In fact, I loved the sheermaal (saffron-flavored bread) a Muslim friend would get on occasion and had told my mom I wanted a church wedding when I grew up.

She smiled and said that's what Christians do.

"Does it mean we can't?" I'd asked.

"No, it's their custom. Our custom is different," she replied.

"But it doesn't mean we can't do something that's different, right?" I inquired.

She dismissed the conversation by saying, "No, it doesn't mean we can't. But there's a lot of time to your marriage."

I was only nine years old.

But even as mom and dad hung on to their beliefs, their religious customs, they never once forced anything down my throat. I celebrate Eid with my Muslim classmates and went to mass with my Christian friends.

The beliefs my parents tried to instill in me had more to do with humanism than Hinduism: don't be malicious, don't hurt anyone intentionally, don't steal, don't lie, respect differences (of caste, religion, beliefs), and be generous.

Some people say that's what Hinduism is about. It's a way of life.

Perhaps. But organized religion has made it so difficult to weed out the lifestyle from the customs. Customs that feel like shackles more than anything else.

I've never understood fasting for religious purposes or been able to come to terms with the hypocrisy of worshipping all these goddesses but then giving second-class treatment to women in real life.

Even as a kid, I questioned the rationality of religious edicts and growing up the questions never went away.

But I couldn't voice them without hurting a lot of people. You see, while technically one has the choice to follow a religion (or not!), our social structure doesn't allow us the guilt-free liberty to exercise that choice.

While my parents wouldn't force me to go to a temple, the general expectation would be that I'd accompany them. More so with my in-laws given how overtly religious they are. They'd be hurt if told them I questioned the existence of god. More so because I am a woman.

Men are supposed to be progressive and liberal. Women are supposed to be the moral compass and leash men in.

I wouldn't be able to have any rational discussions with them and at the end of it, it would come down to a question of faith.

Their faith in something that defies explanation. Mine lying within myself and those around me.

Some people might think that my coming to the United States prompted this sudden change of heart. Not entirely true.

My belief system didn't change per se, but my detachment from organized religion intensified.

In Iowa City, I didn't feel the "need" to go to a temple or to pray ... and with that realization came a sense of freedom. I felt that I could talk to people and question the existence of god without fear of repudiation.

I understood that fear was the main reason why people were so religious ... fear of family, society, failure, death... Religion provided folks with a support system. A false sense of security but a very real sense of community.

I didn't need that, but without asking for it, I automatically got affiliated with another community -- that of the non-believers.

And it certainly wasn't a sudden change of heart.

It was a series of discussions with my husband and with non-Indian peers and colleagues that allowed me to explore my beliefs and challenge the ones I had grown up with.

The only "religious" thing I still do is the Diwali puja -- folding my hands and chanting hymns I don't understand. And the one and only reason I still perform that annual ritual is because it's comforting.

I am halfway across the globe from my family and all the memories of that festival have centered around that ritual...it is those memories that I harken by going through the motions at home.

Some people have told me I'm spiritual. I'm not sure spirituality is an all-encompassing general term ... Everyone has their own take on spirituality and what it means to them.

I still haven't deciphered what it means to me, although others have told me that my travel experiences, my writing, and my thirst for knowledge are all the things that connect me with my spirituality. They tell me it's my calling.

For me, though, this whole spirituality thing is still inconclusive.

So, what do I believe? I believe that everyone should have the opportunity to explore their self before choosing which (if any) religion or spiritual belief to subscribe to. And it should be ok if they don't subscribe to anything. We don't have to have names and labels for everything, do we?

Self awareness leads to self confidence and when you know your self and know the reasons why you're doing what you're doing, life automatically becomes more meaningful.

You stop living in fear and you give to others not because you're told to, but because in your life journey you have come to realize that it is the right thing to do.

We spend so much time blindly following customs and traditions in the name of religion; we foster hatred for those who follow a different religion, and yet we don't fully understand our own belief system.

We don't know who we are, what motivates us, what inspires us, what our purpose in life is.

I believe in myself and in humanity. I believe all of us have good hearts.

If each of us took some time to introspect, to reflect, and to question our actions, we'd be a much more peaceful world community.

So, what do you believe?

This article is also published at Desicritics and can be found on my blog.

Is Love Enough ?

Most who read my Blog would be aware that my marriage went through some interesting times over the last four years which resulted in me now being separating permanently from my ex-wife and best friend of 17 plus years.

In more recent times I have watched another best friend’s marriage disintegrate into a bitter, hateful situation when both sides are always defensive and looking to get the next point over their partner. Their relationship has descended into a win at all cost “ War of the Roses ” and both parties have resorted to using their 3 kids as cannon fodder against each other ( even if they are unaware of what they are doing ).

Another friend is currently going through a domestic abuse hell from her partner that has resulted in criminal charges against her ex-husband and she is now living 24/7 with the fear of him turning up and finishing the job he had started.

And then last night I was talking to a another ( 20 year plus ) friends wife only to be told in secrecy that her marriage is a complete sham and that from the moment she walked down the aisle she knew it was the wrong thing to do but felt trapped and unable to get out of the marriage. She informed me that her wedding day tears walking down the aisle were not tears of happiness but tears of sadness and regret of what was happening.

The sad truth is I’ve only listed four marriages above but in reality I could run off a list of twenty or more friends and associates who’s marriage did not stand the test of time.

Yes, I too know people who have been married for very long periods, including my parents who have been married 50 years and my sister who this week is celebrating her 25th wedding anniversary, but they are the minority, an ever decreasing group who have to date stood strong against all that time, marriage and life has thrown at them. Some are still there out of genuine love, some out of long formed habit and some out of fear of being alone.

How does this happen between two people who once loved each other openly and unconditionally ?

I have many thoughts about relationships but since my marriage did not survive you may not want to put too much weight onto my beliefs, many are probably off the mark but all are qualified by real relationships that I have either been a part of or have observed first hand.

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I think the first big killer of any relationship is the fight for control within a relationship, I have not yet seen a relationship that is 100% amicable where both parties agree on everything all the time. That I think most would agree is impossible and a fantasy world saved for day time sitcoms.

Every couple will have disagreements, every couple will attempt to “ Negotiate ” a compromise and every couple over time will feel like “ They ” are the ones that ALWAYS have to compromise, every couple will start to resent the inability to have it their own way and will feel more and more like “ Their opinion doesn’t matter anymore to anyone ”, individuals start to feel dis-empowered, lost and without a voice. The power battles start and suddenly the decision over which show you both watch or the colour of the new blinds takes on an illogical level of importance that is more deeply rooted in the need of each individual to be heard than it is about the actual topic.

Another big issue I feel is an ever growing phenomenon in marriage for the need to “ Change ” or “ Fix ” those silly little flaws in our partners. Just about, actually ALL relationships that I have observed have started independent, but before long at least one side of the relationship ( if not both ) attempt to change the other half, to “ Mould ” them into a mirror of themselves. While opposites attract it makes for hard work to constantly negotiate a compromise and inevitably one will attempt to conform the other so that the day to day existence of a relationship becomes less work and easier.

Can you remember when you first moved in with your partner ? Can you remember the small insignificant things that shouldn’t have mattered but in reality drove you mad with frustration. Did they leave the toothpaste lid off ? Did they not close the wardrobe doors when they were finished ? Did they want to watch their shows all the time instead of your shows ?

I believe that in most relationships this is natural and one side will always be willing to give that slight bit more than the other. The issues come into a relationship when one side feels that they have paid their dues and given more than their share of ground for the relationship but are constantly asked to give yet more.

Finally I think the third big killer of marriages is “ Jealousy ”, unless it was an arranged marriage ( which is a whole other story ) we all would have met our partners at some type of social gathering, be it Church, the Pub, Through Friends ect .. we as humans are social creatures, we thrive on connecting with others, in fact we cannot survive in isolation.

Yet despite our partners having multiple friends of both sexes when we met them it is amazing how many partners don’t TRUST their partners to remain social outside of the marriage. I ask you this question, “ Would you allow your partner to go out to dinner and a movie with a member of the opposite sex alone ? ”.

If your answer is no I would ask YOU why ? Do you not trust them ? Do you not trust the other person ? Do you not trust yourself in the same situation ?

Without trust in any relationship you have nothing.

It is YOUR issue that YOU need to deal with and carry the burden of. It is not for your partner to carry your insecurities for you or to resolve. You do not own your partner and therefore have no rights to restrict or control their life.

On a lighter side, I have a young nephew about to marry one of the most beautiful souls I have ever had the pleasure of knowing, they really do seem to be the real deal, a couple that will stand the test of time. Everyone is excited about their wedding day which is such a refreshing feeling in today’s cynical world.

They really do stand as a beacon of hope for us all and of what is right about this world.

So please raise your glasses and toast with me to “ Mathew & Lilly ” as a reminder to us all of what it was once like and of how it should always be.