Sunday, March 14, 2010

Moving Forward

Give up, leave, move, opt in, opt out, change.

Big life altering decisions are tough and putting them off suspends you.

I call this the place Limbo. It is not a nice place to be, but it is safe. Any regrets, failures and impact won’t reach you there. But neither will any successes.



Eventually you have to take a leap of faith. This feels like letting go of one trapeze and grabbing on to the one that’s coming towards you.


On the other side all the consequences of your decision will be revealed.

There is no going back. And so you move forward.

365 Lessons-Lesson 60: Those with Patience Persevere


I don't know why this word "patience" keeps popping up today. It popped up in an e-mail from my agent and it seemed to be the word I wanted to tell my husband's business partner when I stopped by the evening yoga class and saw only a few people in class. Kind of a let down after seeing the huge crowd of yogis and yoginis at the grand opening. After running two yoga schools in Korea for 5 years, I know that everything worthwhile in life takes patience.

The problem is that when things aren't going smoothly or at the speed we'd like them to, we give up. We think we need to change something. Things and people will take their own sweet time to change. You can't change situations or people, you don't have control over that. All you can do is give love continuously, through all the ups and downs, and see what happens.

We are always looking ahead to the next thing and often forget how far we've come in life. Today marks the day I have blogged for 60 days! It may not seem like much when you look at an entire year. When I try to imagine blogging for 365 days, It feels impossible. It feels like trying to scale Mt. Everest in one day or count grains of sand or something. The only way I can continue is to take each day as it comes. I don't even know what I'm going to write and sometimes I'm not sure I have anything interesting to say, but I keep at it.

So, today I celebrate the small victory of writing continuously for two months. I remember someone asking me, before I started my 365 days of writing, if I only blog or write when I'm inspired. I think I used to steer clear of the computer when I felt down or didn't have anything interesting to say. Now I just go to my keyboard and start typing. I have no idea what will come out, but it's all part of the process for me. Sometimes I feel so much enthusiasm, other times I feel down in the dumps and there are also times when I don't have much to say. This is life.

This is an experiment. It's my experiment and I have to remember that. I'm doing this for me so that I can remember the time when I wrote everyday for an entire year and what that was like. I am doing this because I believe those with patience persevere.

Anyone who has ever run a business knows that there are times when you can't believe how great business is going and times when you are sitting around twiddling your thumbs waiting for people and thinking in the back of your head, "How am I going to pay the rent?"

Anyone who's ever had children (I do not but I have learned quite a bit from my friends who do) knows that there are times of joy, love and awe when you look at these miraculous beings in front of you and there are times when you'd like to go to the store and return your children like you would a sweater (especially when they are screaming at the top of their lungs in a department store.) But you don't return your children because you are committed to them through the thick and thin of it. Children can be the greatest teachers because they make you feel the full spectrum of life, they test your patience and there is no guarantee that children will behave exactly as you'd like them to. You have to have patience with them.

How can we develop patience? I'm learning that I'm not so good at this part sometimes. I need to step back a bit and let things happen. All I can do is keep watering my intentions. The seeds have been planted and if I take care of these plants of mine, one day they will blossom. I am not going to throw in the towel at the slightest bump in the road. I will maneuver over and around the bumps, up the hills, down the hills, through the tunnels, through the dark clouds, hail, snow, thunder, and even sun. What else can I do but take each moment as it comes.

So, hurray for 60 days!..this is what I'm celebrating today in this moment. At least I had enough patience to make it this far. All I can do is keep breathing, keep putting one foot in front of another, keep loving and keep going no matter what life throws my way.

reposted from my blog: Lessons from the Monk I Married

Happy Mothers Day Mother Earth!


Happy Mothers Day to all the Mothers of the world.


But an even bigger 'Happy Mothers Day' to Mother Earth, for sustaining our existence, for letting us know when we have done something wrong to her. For always being there when we awake, for giving us her warm Sun and her moon and stars to light our night.


Thank you Mother Earth, for giving us your beautiful garden of flowers and trees, of streams and lakes of Mountains and Hills. Thank you Mother Earth for letting us toil your soil to feed our young, for giving us rain to grow our seeds, for giving us oxygen so we can breath.


Thank you Mother Earth for giving us a platform to experience our life, to learn from wrong and right. Thank you for housing all the creatures of our Creator, from the small to the large.


Thank you for giving us a chance to mend our ways to change what we have done to show you how important and loved you are.


Thank you Mother Earth for giving us life, and for taking us back to your bosom when we have finished our term.


Thank you for being there, a constant in our life. It is time for us to look after you now. It is time for us to show our true appreciation for all you give and do for us.


So today, as we celebrate Mothers Day on top of our list is a BIG I LOVE YOU to the worlds Mother - Mother Earth.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Train song

As I write this, it is very early morning in East Tennessee and I hear the northbound train approaching. The last several days have been damp and overcast and that causes fog to creep overnight across the Tennessee Valley. Fog, in turn, causes the sound of the train whistle and the train's passage along the tracks to carry more loudly across the hills and valleys. Having lived a great part of my life in East Tennessee, the sound of trains has always been a constant. Similar to how we can be lulled to sleep or calmed by the sound of rain, or a thunderstorm, so do the sound of trains rumbling, roaring and whistling down the tracks soothe those who have grown up with them always present.


I took this sound, this presence, for granted until I spent time in a city - Tampa, Florida to be specific - where trains weren't evident. I never did figure out this puzzle while I lived in Tampa; there were certainly train tracks around and about the city, but I never once heard or saw trains traveling. What I can report is that it took me almost a full month of living there before I finally realized part of my night time restlessness wasn't all due to being in a new city, new dwelling and new surroundings. It was actually greatly due to the fact that I wasn't hearing the familiar, comforting sound of trains traveling during the wee hours of the morning.

Once I did identify the source, I began to ask people in Tampa about the absence of trains in and around the city. I received puzzled looks and no ready answers as to why there were train tracks everywhere, but no trains visible. All I can say for certain is that it took me a good stretch of time to adjust to sleeping without the soothing sounds of far-off trains rolling along the tracks, and the occasional train whistle echoing and bouncing along the hills. Tampa doesn't have hills for the sounds to reverberate and echo across, so perhaps this is one reason I never heard the sounds the way I was accustomed to hearing in East Tennessee.

I have read of many people who have had near death experiences saying that they drifted from their bodies and went into an area that resembled a huge, limitless train station. Other people who have lived through tornadoes and hurricanes report that the sounds of the worst of the weather manifesting sounded eerily like a train running directly overhead. Years ago, I stumbled across an obscure book written by a hospice nurse who mentioned many of her patients who were slowly approaching death who mentioned hearing a train approaching from far away. I apologize for not remembering the name of this book, or the name of the author, but this woman reported this mention of a train approaching to be a common theme amongst many hospice patients.

It makes one ponder the train reference, the train station as a staging area for crossing over. Perhaps our Souls recognize something inherent to the concept of a train approaching that beckons us to release from the physical body, step onto that mystical and spiritual manifestation and continue the journey to the other side of the Veil.

Trains do indicate travel, and before air flight was accomplished, trains were the epitome of power, wealth, commerce and a literal ticket to the far flung, exotic, mysterious corners of the Earth. Distant and varied travel was possible, taking you as far as the train tracks lead. Perhaps it isn't that difficult a stretch to embrace that trains could also represent a mystical form of travel for the Spirit.

Here in my area, trains run day and night. To someone living in an area where trains aren't prevalent, that might sound horribly noisy and invasive. I am not describing endless activity; the trains run on schedules throughout the week and become a backdrop to our daily lives. To me, it isn't noisy. For the most part, it is similar to a clock in your home that you become so accustomed to that you rarely consciously hear the tick-tock sounds. Indeed, in the wee hours of the early morning, as I write this post, the sound of the northbound train is gentle, reassuring, and in its own way, quite majestic.

Perhaps the echoes of a train thundering along the track mimics in some manner a heartbeat, reminding us of our time in the womb. There is a rhythmic cadence as train wheels rattle and roar along the tracks. One close girlfriend has such a trained ear for the local train schedules that she can tell which direction a given train is traveling, simply from the sound of the whistle as the train approaches. I bow to her accuracy, because she really is incredible with this talent. That repetitive thundering sound could remind our Soul of a sort of homecoming, a welcoming portal to traverse from here to the Unknown There, the sure sound embracing us and wrapping around our senses.

For myself, the sounds of the trains each night are a lullaby that makes me smile and ushers me more deeply into sleep. The deep. smoky belltones of the whistle echoing across the Tennessee Valley rarely truly awaken me; it is more of a background reassurance that all is well. If I am having a night of fitful sleep, quite often the sounds of a train in the distance will relax me and help me drop off to deep slumber.

Much like an old friend, the song of the weekly scheduled train runs become so familiar to us that, were they to suddenly cease their normal schedule, we would become abruptly aware of the lack. As would the sudden cessation of that clock in the room, we would wonder why the wee hours of the night had suddenly grown so unusually quiet. Perhaps we would awaken and wonder at the strange lack of sound, not quite sure what was missing. I, for one, would be saddened to live in a world where there were no trains rumbling along the tracks, no piercing train whistles splitting the damp night air to travel, echoing their unique song across the hills.

It is a curiously gentle presence, the night train calling out. Distant, yet imposing as its inexorable rush onward is repeated week by week, year by year, imprinting in our memories with sound and vibration. This moment, this wee hour of the night that is slowly releasing darkness to dawn, the sounds of the train trekking northward inspire words to flow, to give voice to a sinuous, fluid trail of thought that mimics the journey of that train charging out into the distance.

In a moment, I will surrender to sleep, lulled by that soporific rumble....my heart and breath unconsciously matching the rhythm of the faraway rails being ridden by the Iron Horse of yesteryear. That curious anomaly of a bygone era remains an active, modern presence and continues to weave into the minds and hearts of those gifted with vision to dream, to hear a unique Industrial Age melody wailing through the night air.

This is a jumble of perhaps not very well connected or elaborated ruminations about trains. Perhaps I will let it rest as I surrender to the arms of Morpheus myself, and return to it anon, to read through with more clear mind and judge whether it is worthy of posting or abandoning. The train rolls on in the distance and I am pulled to sleep....

...and the following night, I have returned, read through these thoughts, and deemed them strong enough to stand. Jumbled and disconnected though they may be, I shall publish them. Another train calls out its song in the distance, this one southward bound, rushing into the dark to grace the mountains with its chant along the tracks, its whistle smoky and drifting out through the night. That is the interconnecting thread, the train song that trills ever onward.
___________________________

If you enjoyed this post and would like to read more, you can find me at Healing Morning blog.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

In The Dark

"Faith is the bird that feels the light and sings when the dawn is still dark"
Rabindranath Tagore
Deciding to do a pregnancy test in the North of Vietnam during a blackout was one of the more dramatic life decisions I have made.

Cowboy and I had only been in Vietnam for two weeks and to put it simply I had become way too familiar with the workings of Vietnamese toilets.


How I wish I didn't get so acquainted with you and your smelly counterparts
We were new lovebirds caught in an incredible 9 month whirlwind that threw us into the air and plonked us down in Vietnam to become English teachers.
Or so we thought.....
We walked from the chemist back to our hotel in the blacked out village of Sapa.
"Can we do the test in the morning?" Cowboy asked
"No!" I snapped. "I have to know."
The receptionist handed us a coke can with a candle in it to take to our hotel room.
We went up to our room and I wee'd on the stick.
We sat on the bathroom floor with the candle in the can and waited for the magic stick to tell us our future.
We were both very nervous.
The whole experience was surreal.
Until now, Cowboy had found my non-stop talk of pregnancy to be  just that... 'talk'.
I saw in his eyes that he was finally contemplating what would happen if I was pregnant.
Family planning had not been on our agenda.
Suddenly the candle started to flicker and dance dramatically.
I glanced down at the stick.
It showed two lines.
"Two lines" I said "What does this mean?"


The moment that changed our lives
Cowboy quickly grabbed the instructions which were written in Vietnamese.
"Two lines means.... Vung" he reported.
I gave him a blank stare.
"Where is the translation book?"
We struggled around in the dark until we found our bible.
I flicked through urgently until I came upon the word Vung.
It meant Yes.
Although I had 'the feeling' I was pregnant, this confirmation was not what my conscious mind was ready for.
"I'm pregnant" I said.
Cowboy looked at me in shock.
The candle stood still.
"Did you hear me?" I asked
He kissed me.
My stomach twisted and turned my heart did a hula hoop.
Cowboy grabbed my other bible - " A Guide to the Advanced Soul"
"Open it, quick!" I ordered hoping for some kind of clue  on how I should be feeling.
He opened to a random page and read out the contents:
"Faith is the bird that feels the light and sings when the dawn is still dark"
We were going to be parents.
We had never been more in the dark in our lives.
to be continued.

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Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Walkabout

Sometimes you just have to wonder. Not in the magical ‘what could be’ kind of way. Nope, it’s more of a wonder as you look down the path you’ve chosen






And suddenly you realize…. ‘We’re not in Kansas anymore Toto!’



What once seemed so clear makes you wonder if you really saw what you saw in the first place. Today was one such day. My mind kept wandering around in the world of ‘stuff' - big stuff, little stuff, unidentified and mislabeled stuff. I thought, perchance, I should reel it in, but alas, my mind had a mind of its own. I was not invited; quite simply, my mind had stuff to do.






I cannot say I’ve learned to accept this walkabout my mind seems to enjoy. Nor, can I say I appreciate the fact that it runs off without me. What I do know is that when it has finished its flight of freedom,









It will playfully call to me



And I will answer, "Don't worry, I'm still here."










And together, once again, we will sit together, as we usually do, breathing, listening, and riding the tide.

Loved and Lost

A picture of a yellow crocusImage via Wikipedia


I have to say, it has been a while since I wrote here...As some of you know, the last two months my daughter, Maya, had some health problems and my mind was set only on more, lets say, mundane things. But now I am feeling that I am coming back to my old self and I am going to take it one step at the time...So, bear with me...

So many things loved and lost


A drawer full of old photos and memories
So many things loved and lost
My childhood
with sweet smiles and blond curls
Adolescence in short skirts and crazy haircuts.
All the dogs, tongues lolling, tails wagging
fidelity and wet kisses
the flowers we used to gather in the summer
the magical woods,
the sky so blue
seasons coming and going
each one with marvels and miracles.

So many people that disapeared from my life
looking at me from above
visiting only in dreams
heart ache and longing.

So many things loved and lost
never had the chance to cherish them
to thank them
to keep them close
not enough
and now they are all lost for ever.

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